Advice from the Dating Maven

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2007-06-25T20:54:00.000-04:00

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The Chase

2007-06-09T21:25:00.000-04:00

There’s nothing worse then being approached by a guy who seems nice for the moment, but when you try to break free, and go back to your friends becomes a leech. I will never understand why certain men just can’t take the hint. Why do some men latch onto women when it’s quite obvious that woman isn’t into him? It was abundantly clear while with my friend at Ono she wanted no part of this guy; yet he still was chasing her like a puppy and wasting his duckets on her! Men even after several drinks please realize for some women no matter how intoxicated they get they’re still not going to be “into you.” Men don’t you understand that many times the only reason why certain women even entertain having you cling is for the free drinks they know your springing for! To many women it’s pretty clear when a guy isn’t “into her.” However, why do most men never seem to feel the negative vibes a woman gives off, yet will still try? Is it because they like the challenge and threive off the thrill of the chase: Even when what they’re really looking like is a complete loser and desperate?

Little Things Say a LOT!

2007-06-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

Just like most women are planners, and men know this, men must try to really LISTEN. Nothing drives women more nuts then when they ask or tell you about plans and even remind you and you will have completely forgotten. If many men can remember to go to a friend’s bachelor party and have plans with the boys, then why can’t they remember a Saturday night date, or worse, a birthday, or anniversary?
Fact: Women get SO aggravated when dating guys and they put forth no effort to make plans or romance.

I laugh when couples say, “Oh, the honeymoon is over,” or “after marriage there’s no sex.” Men, you need to understand that if you want sex and spice, it goes hand and hand with romance and remembering and doing little things. Many men and women forget how turned on one gets from doing the little things, rather only doing something because it’s a Hallmark day.

Men, my Maven advice to keeping your woman happy: never forget the romance, whether in the initial stages of dating, married, or after kids. And, women, men have needs and wants just like you. It may not be getting the new hottest shoes, or latest bag Cameron Diaz is wearing, but often a home-cooked meal and a bottle of wine is just what the Dr. prescribed! My Maven advice to all you men and women out there is to keep the fire lit, and always remember the romance and champagne! Just like my step-dad has always said, “Cards and flowers are bought items and usually only given on required days. It’s the actions and the small things one does that keeps romance alive.” Romance means having to think, and not just paying for something that usually has very little meaning or thought put in! Still though, why do so many men and even some women have trouble being romantic when not expected to be?

Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough.....

2007-06-03T17:00:00.001-04:00

For decades (and perhaps centuries), most women are known to have been overly sensitive and analytical, and will usually create unnecessary drama when dating or in a relationship. It’s a fact that many men know this! Yet still so many of my friends will call me to discuss their arguments, disagreements, and squabbles they’ve encountered with their mates. I’ll listen and often quickly see the root. However, many women LOVE going on, ranting and raving, and beating the dead horse. Where on the other-hand most men will usually sit there and listen while she’ll bitch, complain, whine and moan. Most men usually will end up blowing off the “drama,” slam the phone, or walk out, and not really give a shit and give her some well needed space and time to think about what’s really the issue that doesn’t need to be screamed about like lunatic but discussed like a human being.

While reading an article in Oprah June’s edition, there was a very clear statement made, and it 100% makes sense. “Just because the chemistry and sex is great, doesn’t mean 2 people together work as a couple.” I discovered this out the long and hard way. No matter how much 2 people may care for one another and even love each other, if they don’t think similarly and agree on important issues and things, I will GUARANTEE that when in a relationship and when children come into the picture, many issues will arise and pose significant problems. Most men and women need to see that just like kissing needs to be “in sync,” most everything else needs to be, too. If one person thinks one way, which isn’t necessarily bad, and usually the other never agrees, I promise you this will cause more fights and tension than fun, and easy times. It happened to me; I lived through it. No matter what I said or how I explained it, Sebastian never wanted to see it my way until, it became too late, and he started to see I was too fed up to live the rest of my life will constant arguing and disagreeing. As the Maven I finally realized that being in a relationship and not thinking alike or being on the same page, most often won't make for an easy and happy relationship.

Admitting the Truth

2007-05-29T15:22:00.001-04:00

We’ve heard many times people say, “women marry older men for money, and younger men often date and marry older women for sex.” Are older men just clueless, and just seeking a woman who is great in the sack who will take care of their sexual needs? Some men often date women who are such bitches and gold diggers that it’s questionable if it’s just an arranged partnership where she has unlimited shopping and credit card usage, and his reward is getting constant sex whenever he wants! Its crazy how many men and women are just blatantly being used and just don’t care. But then we’ll often see the young men who are just using that older woman for great sex. But because of their age of player mode their in, won’t realize that this older, energetic and hot woman may be perfect for them. The problem is when the men get older and in later years when all they have to look at is there bank accounts with a ton of money, they’ll look back while lonely and single and realize that the one great woman is the one they were too stupid to snag up! And often because of sexual needs they end up settling with that “gold digger!” Why can’t singles see that age isn’t the problem and society now welcomes older women dating younger men? And, that the underlining problem with many singles is really, communicating and committing. For some men and women communication and commitment comes naturally, but for others it is WAY more difficult. Why?

Holding feelings in, rarely expressing oneself, and pulling back instead of just going with the flow, when in relationships most will agree is an unhealthy way to live. Most often the things people didn’t address, or confront in younger years will often end up surfacing and coming out in one way or another in later years. When looking back one may have been scared of the hearing the truth or being disappointed, so for whatever reasons they held back. We all know that if you don’t ask, you may always wonder. Is wondering such a good thing? Most of us know that the majority of the time the truth has a weird way of coming out. But, for many it’s just all a game…for others, it’s being scared…and for some, it’s the adrenaline rush of the unknown. What most people don’t want to see and realize is that the unknown is really the truth. However, for whatever reasons many men and women are too afraid to admit or say what that truth really is. It’s so frustrating that so many men and women don’t speak the truth. Men seem to have no issues in directing and telling a woman how they like their pecker caressed and sucked, so why are so many women fearful of telling, (or showing), a guy how to be better? Too often many women and men aren’t honest with how they feel and will hold back from saying what’s really on their mind. Why is this? Why do so many men and women drag out relationships when they deep down know the inevitable? The Maven’s suggestion is to speak the truth no matter how bad it is. Lies always come out! It’s always better to hear the truth directly from the guilty person no matter how bad it is.

Being Out of Touch.....Or, In?

2007-05-23T19:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes men and women need to get their mouths, tongues, and touch in sync before judging and ending something that hasn’t really yet begun. Whether at first base or home plate, not everyone is on the same level in the beginning. Sometimes men and women are nervous and clam up because they think they’re being judged. They may truly like and be attracted to the person, but for undisclosed reasons, aren’t putting forth their best moves or just need to be helped along. If a guy or girl hasn’t experienced being with a great kisser, and I’ve kissed certain guys who were hot but kissing wasn’t their strong suit, often they can be taught. Bad kissing is like saying a guy can’t make you cum…it’s easy to make a man cum…but many women either fake their organisms, or if taught well, will have them every time they have sex.
Men, know this FACT: There is nothing worse than going down on a woman and being ROUGH…it’s a complete turn off! It’s like a woman who uses her teeth when giving head--nothing hurts you more!

Being that I did fully understand what Brea meant, and having a few first kisses weaker than a bad cup of coffee, we shouldn’t go judging from just one kiss. After all, you’ve probably experienced a great kiss and never heard from this person again. Just because it was a great kiss doesn’t mean you’re going to walk down the aisle with him or her or let alone get that call the next day. Why though, if a first kiss is bad, or first time sex sucks, often we’ll think it can’t get better? Sometimes the good kisser and great sex doesn’t turn out to be a well-suited partner. Just maybe that bad kisser or guy that came too quick and couldn’t get you “off,” if coached, could turn out to be better than you could have ever imagined!

For some, judging on first impressions and giving someone a fair chance isn’t easy. Many men and women are too quick to judge. This really isn’t fair. Shouldn’t we try giving people the benefit of the doubt, and if liked, get to know them before making our analysis? Just like people change, looks change, professions and finances change, many times that bad kisser, if given a chance an opportunity, could turn out better than ever. I hate to break it to everyone, but good sex can often wear off, and a shitty kisser CAN get better….trust me on this…I’ve been there on every level!

First Base....Strike, or Run?

2007-05-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

Since society has put such an emphasis on being healthy, working out, and looking good, that if you are an attractive man or woman, oftentimes you’ll seek out the same in a mate. While talking with Brea about men, we both agreed we can look past guys carrying a few extra pounds in the gut! What many singles have a hard time understanding is that at first when you meet someone, they may look great. But when comfortable in a relationship, and especially after pregnancy, those good looks often fade. Many need to grasp that looks, bodies, and physical features (for the most part) WILL change, and sadly some don’t have the pleasure of aging gracefully. Couples tend to agree that in the beginning of relationships, physical attraction is deeper and unfortunately sometimes fades over time. When speaking with Brea, she was telling me about Adam who was a few years younger, a little chubby but cute, and had a great personality.

“So, what’s the problem with him? Chubby? Get him on the stair-master and take the bread n’ butter away when you dine with him! We all know weight on many can fluctuate. Not everyone can be as anorexic as you, you know!”
“Ha, ha, yes, I know! His chubbiness doesn’t bother me, and physically I’m attracted to him. The problem was, after the date when he went to kiss me.”
“Huh? What went wrong? You didn’t get a kiss?
“No. I did land a kiss, and it was awful--WORSE than in the sixth grade!”
“I laughed. Oy, are you serious? There’s nothing more disconcerting than a guy who can’t kiss.”
“I was so disappointed, and as wet and turned on as I was, I quickly became like a dried-up well!”
“Do you think he was nervous and didn’t put forth his best kissing effort?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NO...……a kiss means chemistry, and it’s a make or break!”
“I agree Brea, a kiss does mean chemistry. However, trust me that it’s also like having sex with a new guy for the first time; it may suck. So, because it sucked, that’s it? You’re not going to try it again; he’s over and done?

Just because a first kiss isn’t what you had expected, or the sex wasn’t good, does this mean we shouldn’t give someone another chance and try again? After all, it’s similar to saying that a man or woman who wasn’t planning on hooking up and therefore didn’t shave down below can’t be a hottie with a little Nair! Does this mean just because they were a monkey down under you won’t hook up with them again? Why not try and groom them?

Too Old......Or Not Old Enough?

2007-05-16T20:31:00.000-04:00

Having had the “AGE” conversation with so many single men and women, along with hearing Enrique’s story, it’s questionable whether or not age is the real issue here. In Enrique’s case, its only 2 years later, and he’s regretting being so brain dead and letting Ms. Wonderful slip away. Should 2 years, someone’s age, or timing make the difference in forming a relationship? Are we all just being stupid and missing our perfect opportunities?
Many say age matters; however, I truly think of age as just a number or another lame excuse. Age, to me, isn’t a factor if younger, BUT if older, tends to be an issue. The worst is when you meet a guy who’s in his 30s and from his picture looks like it but when you meet, he looks like he’s old enough to be your grandpa! Just like many men like an attractive, healthy, spirited, hot woman, many women feel the same. While many women go to extreme lengths to maintain their youthful look even after kids, they may expect (or at least hope) for men to do the same.

My friend, Natalie, was telling me how she went on a blind date with a guy who was 32 but looked and acted old enough to be her father! She sat on the phone with me saying, “I just don’t understand how a man at 32 can look and act as if he’s 60 and has never opened up a GQ!” I laughed and completely understood. It’s like, we all know sun causes wrinkles, so why so many women continue to slather themselves with baby oil under the hot sun is crazy to me. And then if they have the nerve to say that they say this miss their reflectors, I feel like saying, HONEY reflector? Are you kidding? You should take a trip to a plastic surgeon and zap away all those ugly, aging brown spots you got from the damaging reflector!

But, so often you’ll hear many singles justifying why they are still single by saying it was timing, age, or location, that them from forming a relationship. Was it really all these issues? Or, is always thinking the grass is greener on the other side standing in our way from trying? The hard thing, though, is when the man or woman makes it clear he or she likes you, and you, (for undisclosed reasons), keep playing them like a yo-yo……..Why? Why, when it’s made clear someone likes you only for the sex (and your amazing bod) is the “friend with benefits” thing never addressed or discussed? Are we hiding from having the conversation because we’re scared to be let down, or do we think that by not bringing up one’s want for more and instead just going with the “flow” that maybe on its own time the relationship will blossom? BUT whatever the reason, let the Maven explain to you men that if you snooze, you will lose. If you wait too long and keep playing head games thinking you’ve got her whipped, many girls can quickly turn the whip into a broom and sweep you away. Better YOU should sweep THEM off their feet and whip them away WITH you. Are men not making the move for fear of let down or knowing this maybe the last clitt their dicks feel?

Sunrise, Sunset

2007-05-15T20:04:00.000-04:00

Many times, for whatever reasons, we don’t or won’t give “relationships” a chance. We’ll often meet a man or woman, have immediate attraction and chemistry, act on it, and then never hear from the person again. This may be fine if you are just looking to get laid or feel a warm body against you. However, I can say from my years of dating, there are VERY few men that have really made that “impact” on me. For many singles it’s easy to move from man to man, or woman to woman, but for others this isn’t the case. To bring a felt connection/chemistry together instead of just living in the moment or for just one random night can (for many) be torturing experience. It’s questionable if men understand or know this about women. While speaking with Enrique the other night, he was complaining that he can’t find a “normal” girl.

“Enrique, NORMAL? There is no true definition of normal; normal is how you perceive it to be.”
“Well, you know, just to find a girl who can be like my friend that is funny, playful, energetic, smart, and doesn’t complain, or ask too many questions and can get down and dirty behind closed doors whether it be a room in a house or the locked doors in the car!”
“Ha….Ha!”
“I could shoot myself for being so retarded and stupid. To think I let her slip away just because I was 24 and she was older. But I just thought, oh, I’m 24, so many pussies out there, why settle….WELL…..Seriously, what was I thinking? Now, at 26, every girl I meet I compare to her. I adored everything about her, and the conversation was always there, and the sex/connection/chemistry was out of control! Looking back I knew she liked me, even pursued me in her own way, and I was a total jerk for playing head games with her and never stepping up to the plate like I should have and trying to make it work. Who knows, I could’ve been off the market now, happy, fulfilled and content. But instead I’m sitting here, at my office on a Sunday night at 8pm, bored, horny and kicking myself for being such a moron.”
“Well, we’ve all been there. But, it’s frustrating and annoying when the guy plays the ‘yo-yo’ a little too much. It’s like, shit or get off the pot already! I know you like me. But, from all we experience and do in life, a lesson is ALWAYS learned. The question still remains, why do men and women keep playing games instead of keeping it real?

Written Off

2007-05-14T20:29:00.000-04:00

So Alexia totally forgot about him… “Wrote him off!” Alexia decided she was fed up with him and the “game” he was apparently playing. When liking someone, and being sexual together, there’s a period when most women and some men become tired of playing games, and actually start caring for the person they’ve developed feelings for. However, this is MUCH easier said and thought about than done! A week went by where there was no correspondence, and Alexia seemed happy and content. BUT, when taking a nap, the vibration went off, and all the quickly-trashed feelings were soon recycled back. Just as easy as a woman can try to write off a man, she can also just as quickly be sucked back in. We often ask ourselves, why does this happen? Well, it’s pretty clear that when women pay no attention to men, men come crawling back with their tails between their legs. This pattern makes it quite clear some game is being played. It’s hard enough to find someone special enough to have intense feelings for. So, WHY play games when it’s clear you are into each other?

Click and Pick

2007-05-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

While spending the weekend in Boston, I knew hitting Bloomies wasn’t even a question. Even better was sauntering through the racks with Mom, and taking full advantage of their pre-sale. Of course this meant finding and buying some spring duds! (Like there New York doesn’t have enough shops that I need to stalk up when in Boston! But most daughters will agree, shopping with Mom can be quite the bonding trip!) It was time to pay; we had found and met this very nice salesperson, a Jewish girl from Needham, and 4 months pregnant. You know the Maven was quick to befriend her and get the skinny on how she and her hubby met. But, before those details came into play, Rachel quickly divulged all the horrible dates she went on back in her single years, starting with…

Being over a guy’s place, having to pee, and unable to find a scrap of toilet paper in the man’s bathroom--not even a Kleenex! “Drip Dry, EWE!”
Rule #1:
Men, when you know you are having a date, send for the cleaning lady pronto, or clean up yourself, and make sure to REPLACE and have TOILET PAPER!

Then there was a dinner date which involved Mexican food. Come on now men! Mexican on a first date--without knowing how her tummy will hold up, seriously what was he thinking? I mean, there are those rare occasions where the Tequila and a burrito don’t mix very well! MEN, pleeaase, this is a NO, NO! But, if you do happen to do the Mexican thing on a first date and I’d suggest you DON’T, then make certain to have Tums or Pep readily available!
RULE #2:
MEN, make SURE you always ask your date about ethnic foods, and if she LIKES OR NOT, and my Maven advice is NEVER pick Mexican for a first date! And, WOMEN, on first dates, NEVER order the most expensive thing, and if asked to suggest a spot, make it easy on the belly, and on his wallet!

But, the funniest was after they went for Mexican, and it was doing a number on her stomach, when she went back to use the bathroom where now there was toilet paper there was another BIG problem, there was NO spray, or even a match to strike! ARE YOU KIDDING MEN…NO LYSOL OR GLADE FRESH SENT, NOT EVEN A MATCH? Oh dear, if this was me, I seriously think I would’ve died!!!!
RULE #3 BOTH ladies and gents, ALWAYS SNAG MATCHES when leaving a restaurant; you just never know when they may come in handy! In this case it would’ve been a blessing!

My mouth fell; I was cracking up. Luckily, this has never happened to me. I hate Mexican food, and would probably only drink if taken there, and 99% of the time I always pop a Zantac before heading out--I suggest everyone pop one too! However, no toilet paper has happened in a public bathroom, but PRIVATE…COME ON NOW….
RULE #4
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TP!!!!!!!!!! (THIS ALSO GOES FOR MEN AND WOMEN.)

As far as dining and first dates are concerned, it’s probably best not to do dinner on most first dates. Try grabbing drinks in a place where you could also get app’s if hungry or hitting it off. If you’re going to “post, click, and pic,” then make SURE you truthfully list your likes and dislikes…..in a sincere and confident demeanor! And ladies, here’s a tip for you as well. Don’t be a snob and order lobster on a first date, or worse, suck down Johnnie Walker Blue. Also, always be polite and at least offer to pay. (Granted, usually most well-mannered men will never go Dutch!) And MEN, get the toiletries in order and ASK or pick a normal spot to grab a drink! A click and pick does not have to be an interrogation….However are the reasons there aren’t more 2nd and 3rd dates because most singles only know how to “interrogate” instead of being inquisitive through friendly conversation?? Remember: A fist date is NOT a job interview. Sit back, have a drink, and RELAX!

The Shady Look

2007-05-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes when out with your friends, you’ll sit there and think to yourself, WHY is my friend socializing with that person; they look like a Heroin addict! Well, when at Rochelle’s 30th birthday party, a cute male friend of hers was associating himself with what looked to be a bimbo you’d see on Hollywood Blvd! We sat there staring and whispering: Is he serious? She’s not pretty…. looks dirtier than a bloated ho with mascara running down her face, who’s still up from the previous night’s festivities and needs to wash her smelly, cigarette-laced locks! Why do some men or women who are groomed, nice, successful, and smart, seem to pick up the trashiest, shadiest looking characters in the place?

What some people don’t seem to “get,” is that other people tend to make assumptions based upon those you’ve been associating with. Seriously, if there’s an attractive man or woman in the room, and all of a sudden they’re seen talking to someone who has more cans of Aqua-Net than he/she does teeth, then most likely Mr. or Miss “hottie” won’t seem like such a hottie after all. While most friends will do their best to get along with their friends’ acquaintances, there are those rare occasions when we ask ourselves, WHY is this person friends with them, or why did my friend approach him or her?

As a Maven, I will say years ago I had a friend whom all my other friends couldn’t stand. Looking back, as we’re no longer friends, I can see exactly why my cronies didn’t like her and thought she was a complete bitch. Men and women, we should all be careful whom we choose to be friends with and whom we pick up. First impressions do matter! Somewhere along the way, someone may have noticed you but failed to approach because of the skanky HO or beer-guzzling lard-ass you were standing and associating with; they were utterly turned off. Next time, be more aware. Have a shot of Cuervo with the cool man or woman checking you out, instead of trying to pick up the dirty hooker who seems as if she’s been snorting lines and shooting needles!

Misrepresentation

2007-05-03T09:18:00.000-04:00

From reading thousands of profiles, its frightful how so many sound the same. As your Maven, I suggest everyone should stop writing the same garbage, and BE straightforward and honest to everyone checking you out. If you are more plump than svelte, then SHOW it! If you went from a silky full head of locks to thinning/receding hair, then TAKE OFF your lid. If you need the Maven to OK your profiles and pics before posting, feel free to send! Sometimes the truth is hard to admit, BUT, we MUST stop lying and trying to be something we’re not, or look like we did back in our college years—you know, being that hot promoter that all the chicks wanted or that sorority biatch who most of the men tried to fuck. In later years, you’ll discover what may have looked stunning years ago, IS NOT appealing to your eye today! It’s time to replace the old college pictures with an updated, current, and truthful description of what you’re like today.

But, is the truth to why we often misrepresent ourselves because we’re insecure and unhappy with how we’ve aged, added an extra roll or two, or maybe lost a few hair follicles? Whatever you’re reasons are for hiding the truth we should try and figure out how to be honest. Still though why don’t most men and women understand that nothing is gained from lying and hiding the truth?

Some People Have Perfect Vision

2007-05-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

It’s incomprehensible why many pictures posted by men and women are often so old that they date as far back as sorority or frat days. And, when asked for more pics, most of the time the new one(s) will look NOTHING like what was originally posted. Lies are NOT appreciated! However, it’s obvious that most people don’t get this, since many have told me that this keeps happening. Why are so many men and women dishonest? Don’t we get that once the truth is learned, there usually will be no chance of a date, and often any further dialogue will be discontinued? Men and women must STOP writing all the same bullshit. Seriously, most will say they enjoy the movies one night, a decked-out black tie affair the next, and then a night in at home, snuggling under a down blanket with their sweetie; it’s all so generic. Can’t most single, online, dating men and women smarten up, ditch the trite expressions, and write something truthful and catchy; is it that hard to be honest?

Short, Fat, and Balding......Yuck!

2007-04-29T18:12:00.000-04:00

Since the style of dating today is by a pic, and a click, you’d sincerely hope that all single men and women would be sincere, not write lies with fabricated stories, or post ancient or old pictures. You’d expect from reading someone’s profile that they would be truthful and honest about who they are. However unfortunately, with many online profiles this is NOT the case!

From thousands of received emails from men, most of which I usually do reply to, curious to see if they're in the market to buy a condo/coop, (my other career), and also to see if they're full of shit or portraying the truth in their profiles, I'll click reply and hit send!

Since many men have validated my profile as being real, and letting me know they think my profile is unique, and one of a kind, (which it is), it’s SO upsetting to discover how many men LIE on their profiles. The lies and exaggerations are so astounding, from stretching the truth about oneself, to lying about their height, air brushing their photos to shed and shrink the extra pounds, to some men wearing a hat to cover their baldness. The fabrications on even their backgrounds never cease to amaze me. Also, some will go so far to BS about their career, where they are from, and what religion they are. Don’t single men and women understand that looks, personality, and telling the TRUTH all matters? Is starting a friendship/or relationship out on lies really the route we should be taking?

Sexual Exclusivity

2007-04-26T03:14:00.000-04:00

Most people have been in similar situations like Daniel, and because there are so many transmittable STD’s floating around, we all should consider not exchanging bodily fluids with unknowns, and only fucking one person at a time. As shitty as condoms feel for men, and of course women, if sleeping around undoubtedly the pecker should be sealed! However, if it’s abundantly obvious you’re hot for each other, and keep going back for more rounds, then WHY not try exclusivity? Maybe it’s time we try discovering where our "duo" may or may not go. Who knows we may just get REALLY lucky, be pleasantly surprised, and amazingly happy. However, whatever way we “play,” always remember, and recognize that just because your having sex, fucking, or making love with someone, this "SEX" DOES NOT mean your “relationship is exclusive.” Though, what if just the SEX was exclusive, and we kept "dating"; maybe long term this way is the RIGHT way to see if he, or she, is your soul mate and perfect one?

Just Sex?

2007-04-24T16:16:00.000-04:00

In the beginning stages of relationships many of us are SO attracted to who we’re dating that waiting to have sex is sometimes NOT an option. While speaking with Daniel, we were discussing this new girl he met online and was starting to date. However, he clearly expressed to me that by no means were they “exclusive.” I thought to myself, well, how long should one wait until deciding whether or not to be exclusive, AND does having sex often imply that one wants to change the relationship from non-exclusive to exclusive? I tried to figure out what he was thinking and where he was going with this new-found woman, so I blatantly asked him,

“Have you slept with her yet?”
“Maven, nothing like being blunt and cutting right to the chase! Yes, we’ve had sex.”
“And it’s clear to her that you’re not exclusive?”
“Yes.”
“Interesting.....been there myself! Does she or you want to be exclusive?”
“No. At least I don’t, and I don’t think she does.”
“So then you’re both just enjoying each other’s company, and it’s just sex?”
“Well, I’m moving, so I don’t see the need for anything hot and heavy right now. I guess it just is what it is.”

However, while they were out Friday night, she managed to slip in how a friend of hers wanted to introduce her to this guy, and since he had just gotten back from Europe, her friend gave him her number.

“Well, we aren’t exclusive; you should go.”
“Yes, I know. That’s why I felt like I could tell you and it wouldn’t be a big deal. After all, you're dating others too, right?”
“Yes.”

“Dating others,” I thought that means dating....NOT HAVING SEX, DANIEL. Does this girl know you’re banging other chicks? And, is she banging other men? How does that make you feel?

Short...& Not So Sweet!

2007-04-22T17:51:00.000-04:00

Since men and women view things very differently, when attending a speed dating event, I decided to focus on WHY certain men may have issues with finding the perfect woman to date. I don’t think men understand how a good first impression often determines whether or not a woman will want to talk to you for more than a minute, show some interest, and if asked, accept a date. Having done speed dating once before, where you have 3 minutes to meet and speak with your “date,” it’s questionable if most men see certain traits about themselves which many women dislike and find unattractive.

For instance, out of the 15 men that I met, when they went to shake my hand, many had SWEATY palms. EWW! This is the worst! Its like, did you just finish jerking off and forget to wash? Come on men, get the sweaty palms under control—please--it’s truly gross shaking someone’s clammy hands! Next were the men whose breath STUNK of Maker’s Mark or Jack on the rocks; it was worse than kissing someone with onion or garlic breath! If you are going to drink liquor that makes your breath reek, then chomp on a stick of gum or purchase a pack of breath mints, and make certain you suck on them. And men, we all know how most of you like to suck! There’s nothing worse when speaking to a guy and their breath smells worse than their sweaty pits. And the icing on the cake was when some of them spoke, their saliva ended up all of you that you feel like you need another shower. And of course, you couldn’t push back quickly enough or blow that whistle to move on to the next man!

Men, I know this sounds harsh, but even if you are the best looking, best dressed, with passion, power and excitement, if these traits are not “tweaked,” I can assure you some woman whom you may have been hot to trot for, if asked out, will hesitate or just turn you down right then and there. So, my Maven advice to all you men out there, MAKE sure you don’t have any of these problems, and IF you do, then find someway to fix them ASAP! As a woman, there’s nothing worse than being around a man with bad breath, sweaty palms, or raining saliva!

Too Caught Up....Blinded?

2007-04-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

It’s so frequent and yet rarely understood why some friendships often fade out after marriage. Is it because of the new addition in someone’s life, and their issues with his or her friends? OR, is the truth because one person in the relationship is SO insecure, dominating, and controlling, that you are too naïve and caught up in the relationship to notice this?

It’s often upsetting and disappointing to friends and everyone on the outside to see that the girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, appears to be such a control freak and sometimes will put a wedge between friends and often family. This is a major issue among couples today, and it often causes tension in the relationship and friendships. What most couples don’t get is that they don’t have to LOVE or even be “tight” with each other’s friends or family, but out of respect, shouldn’t they learn to give a little and tolerate your friends? My Maven opinion is YES!

Vanishing Friends

2007-04-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes the circumstances of people are different, and therefore opinions on how relationships should be, vary. However, the one thing that should but often doesn’t remain constant is our friendships prior to our relationships. While in Boston for the weekend, my phone rang. It was Ashley. She called to tell me she got engaged. I was so happy for her and eager to congratulate them, and see her bling, that we decided to meet at Starbucks. I knew from our prior conversations that she was going to ask me to be a bride’s maid and I was right, she did ask, and I accepted the bride’s maid position.

Needless to say, I was that bride’s maid that “disappointed” the bride when I told her I couldn’t attend her shower. WELL, you would have thought I was slaying the GROOM. The guilt and grief I got because I had an exam the next day and couldn’t be there was ridiculous! The disappointment she was feeling was exactly how I felt when SHE came into New York and made no effort to get together and see me. Her excuse: too much shopping had to be done…. I’m sure everyone agrees that an exam outweighs the importance of charging on the plastic! Now everyone, please when in a relationship or getting hitched, make sure you don’t drop your friends like flies with no vocalized reason after you say your, “I Do’s”…especially those friends you felt close enough to, to ask them to be in your wedding.

FACT: MEN and WOMEN, LISTEN UP....If asked, YES, it’s a honor to be in a groomsman or bride’s maid in your friend’s wedding, BUT bride and groom, please don’t expect too much from your wedding party, and DON’T kill your friends and cop an attitude if there are legitimate reasons they can’t attend every pre or post-wedding bash. If you feel close enough that you asked them to be in your wedding, THEN make sure when married to KEEP your friendships solid, and not vanish and disappear out of your friends’ lives leaving them wondering, did I say, or do something?

Jealousy.....OR Insecurity?

2007-04-17T20:01:00.000-04:00

It’s quite amusing and disturbing to watch people change, and observing how different they start acting when a new “prospect” enters their life. Just because someone starts to date, move in, or marry, does NOT mean that they should stop having lives of their own or abandon their friends. Why, though, can’t we have both…..A life with a lover and our lives with our friends?

It’s hard to understand why certain people conform to others, and often vanish from our lives. An old friend of mine, Ashley, acted this way. We were friends through thick and thin and never betrayed each other. After both of our relationships ended and we were single, her singleness didn’t last for long. Within months she found a new man, and I was pretty confident he was here to stay.

Within the first year of their dating, I moved to NYC, but we still remained close. When I came home I’d usually make the effort to try and get together. FACT: Like relationships, friendships are also two way streets. Shockingly though, one Saturday when strutting Pasha, who did I bump SMACK into? Ashley and Ross, my “so called” close friends, who came into the city and made no effort to see me. After all, it doesn’t take that long to grab a quick cup of coffee. Is Bergdorf’s SO important that seeing your friend, even for a moment, can’t be squeezed in?

Of course it bothered me that she didn’t make any effort to get together. Since I never had ANY issues with Ross, and didn’t think he had any with me I couldn’t understand why we weren’t getting together. However, in due time it became apparent that he was trying to monopolize my friend. I wondered if maybe he was just insecure of their relationship, or if he was just a dominating and a controlling type, or was it just that he didn’t want her having any friends other then HIM. Or, did he feel just feel threatened that her friends may take her away from him? It was so unclear…but then again, to an “outsider” observing the relationship, OH SO CLEAR. Why often, when in relationships, does may one neglect to see how the other is trying to manipulate and control the other, and the relationship, when it’s so obvious to everyone else what’s really happening?

Dropped Like a Fly....WHY?

2007-04-15T20:11:00.000-04:00

My phone rings last night. It was my close married friends, Elena and Alan, all fired up and on a rampage.
“I cannot believe who we ran into at Capital Grille,” I hear Alan scream in the background.
“Put Alan on the phone. What is going on; why are you all fired up?”
“Well, did you ever run into an old friend from childhood whose wedding you were in, were best friends with for years, but as soon as he, or she became ‘hitched,’ you were flushed away quicker than shit? And, unexpectedly, 10 years later you run into them?” I chuckled…
“Yes!” It’s unfortunate I explained to Alan. But worse is when there’s no “legitimate” reason why you and your friend stopped speaking.

Having experienced similar situations where friends became obsolete, I related to Alan. It’s a sad commentary when some of your SO-called friends meets a guy, or girl, and become WHIPPED way more than “Land o Lakes!” Your friendship quickly comes to a halt, and you’re instantly dropped out of their life. It’s as if they were never friends with you or even knew you. Complete eviction…Why?

Friends shouldn’t go dropping friends; it’s NOT the right thing to do. After all, you were friends way before this other walked into your life, and who’s to say that this new interest or infatuation will last? There’s no reason why someone has to choose: an s.o. over “friends.” After all, most of us know that good friends will be there through thick and thin. But often when we’ve removed ourselves from friendships and act like a complete assholes, we’ll sometimes realize that this new fling isn’t for us, and the picture as to why your friends didn’t like this new man is finally clear. This isn’t to say we should always listen to our friends, but we also shouldn’t go ditching them for the hottie down the block. Often there comes a time when you’ll try going back to your friend, explaining how stupid you were, and plea for their forgiveness. Will they accept your remorse and take you back as their friend?

If a friendship is important, then it shouldn’t be treated like a roller coaster. We shouldn’t only expect to ride when single and bored, with no plans. And just because something better sometimes comes along, and often we may THINK it’s the best thing to hit since losing our virginity and having our cherry popped, we shouldn’t go ditching our friends. Why do so many friends pull this shit? And, why do some significant others make it so hard to remain friends with certain people?

Just.....APPROACH!

2007-04-13T11:08:00.000-04:00

Certain “looks” given between many men and women are priceless. It’s just as entertaining as “people watching.” But, why do we catch a look, and then often still shift our eyes? We’ve all been or on a date where someone’s ADD kicks in, and they start looking in every direction but at you. You sit there and wonder: Why am I even here? Maybe he’s just not that attracted to me and therefore feels there’s no need to focus. But whether or not you’re attracted to someone, many of us would probably agree that when you’re with someone, not paying attention to them is rude. But then again, it could just be the old ADD kicking in! Or, maybe they’re just insecure, and until he/she gets to know you, focusing isn’t their strong suit. (Here’s a tip: Men, learn to FOCUS and stop texting, and WOMEN, if you are looking for the next best beautiful thing to walk through the door, STOP--it’s SO rude!) No matter how we want to define, analyze, and determine what a “look” that’s given means, don’t be such a puss… Try saying “HI!” After all, there’s nothing wrong with using the old, “Oh, you look familiar; do I know you from college, or is it Equinox?” Come on men and women, put yourself out there! Eating dinner alone or hanging with the boys every night can become quite boring. Isn’t it better to be hard as a rock or sopping wet over filet mignon and a glass of Chianti with your favorite honey?

Let the Maven attest to that fact that I’ve been out where I’ve given and gotten looks, all with many different outcomes. Go ahead and try the approach; test the temperatures. What is the worst that could happen? After all, there’s a good possibility that he/she will be so flattered and into you that you can both “bang” into oblivion. Or, maybe you’ll have your introductions, grab a drink, and mosey on your merry way making sure to tell him or her to read your Blog! Any of those outcomes, in my Maven mind, isn’t losing. However, the possibility of gaining something you don’t have is always appealing. In any event, is there really anything wrong with approaching someone who catches your eye?

What’s in a “LOOK?”

2007-04-12T17:34:00.000-04:00

Countless times when I am out and about, I've caught someone either giving me, or someone else, "the look." But, heaven forbid that the person giving me "the look" would even THINK to approach me regardless of where I am, whether BY MYSELF or amongst others. However, there is one exception to this general course of in-action: if cute Pasha is strutting beside me and a guy gives me "the look," the dog becomes the perfect excuse to stop and chat. The question presented: Do men need excuses to approach and talk to a woman they find attractive?

We all know if we’re at the gym, and spot a firm tight ass or buffed chest it is SO hard trying not to stare. But why will most people only give the “look,” with no approach? Maybe there’s that legitimate reason such as, you've just hopped off the Stairmaster and think that being all smelly and dripping wet doesn't exactly make for a perfect introduction. Or, is the truth really that approaching someone after a few drinks is much easier than when sober? Many may think it’s easier to approach what your eye spies when you’re in a sea of bodies in a club, hidden amongst the dim lights and blaring music, versus the fluorescent lighting in the gym exposing the full glory of your cellulite and sweaty pits. But, what all of us should understand is that, some men and women are sometimes shy and have trouble breaking the ice. So, the dark lighting and a few cocktails maybe the cure all some of us need! But, beware, after several glasses of wine, or six martinis, this can make someone who’s not so glamorous look way more appealing!

However, some think that the “look” will usually imply that there is chemistry or that we find someone attractive. BUT, are we just assuming that “looks” are always positive? Or, is it actually that the “look” was given in a negative way, as if to say, why are you dressed like a grandmother, and why is your belly so fat that you insist on wearing such tight Seven jeans or lycra Wolford tops with your rolls flopping out? OR is the look given purely as a means of checking someone out and a desire to aspire to their sense of fashion? Or, are looks just that, looks?

THE SILENT LOOK

2007-04-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

He was tall with a full head of thick brown hair and blue eyes: good looking and toned. As many times as we’ve given each other the “look,” words were never said. One night while out in the city, I spotted my mystery guy, looking even hotter than he did when he was all sweaty and dripping in his mesh shorts and t shirt. Being that I don’t have a shy bone in my body, and he gave me the “look” as if to say, “I know…I know you from somewhere,” I slowly approached him. Yes, WOMEN, sometimes it’s ok to approach a guy. After all, if most guys want to act as if chivalry is dead or if they simply won’t take the leap, then I really don’t see the big problem in approaching. “Hey, you go to Equinox, right?” He laughed, “Yup! Can I get you a drink?” I smiled. Why when in certain atmospheres does conversation come so easy, but then in others seems next to impossible?

EYE CANDY

2007-04-10T19:52:00.000-04:00

When speaking with a male friend of mine, Maverick about the type of girl he wants, likes, and is attracted to, he told me, “I can say anyone is nice, smart, and hardworking, would make a great mother, and friend. BUT, I cannot say that even if a girl has all these amazing qualities that I would want to jump all over her, wine, dine and 69 with her, or spend the rest of my life with her. Maven, I need the physical attraction, and if it’s not there, I don’t care how nice she is or if she’s the daughter of Bill Gates; I’m NOT interested.” WOW, I thought to myself; quite the bold statement.

Has society put such an emphasis on looks that it’s overpowering the way we go about choosing our mates? Are most single men so caught up in physical beauty that other characteristics in a woman are overlooked? And are men just picking a woman for the knockers she has? Will many women just settle for a guy who isn’t so good looking because what she’s really looking for is, to get married, have babies, and is mostly concerned with finding a good provider? But, why does it appear that looks are so important to so many men, but less important to many women (especially once they’ve started freaking about their biological clocks tick-talking away)? Are most men more superficial than women, or are women just as superficial, but in other ways?

Having experienced meeting and dating all types of men, where many were met online and totally lied about their physical appearance, I will say that physical attraction is critical from the get go, and throughout the whole relationship. As a modern-day woman, it’s apparent that MEN need SEX, but most WOMEN do too! However, men thrive off of it, salivate and talk constantly about it, and will tend to be that DOG in heat that humps at any given opportunity. And most men will put an emphasis on sex way more then most women. Unfortunately it’s apparent and quite sad that many women live, and lead their lives by their biological clock. Even though they may have envisioned landing that chic, stylish, full head of hair, tall and dark, sexy hung stallion, there comes a point where beauty or a large pecker isn’t as important to them. Does this mean women should settle if there is less physical attraction and the attraction of carrying a bun in the oven is factoring into their decisions? Or, if you do end up with the guy who only had ½ of what you really wanted but gave you a flawless ring and put your fertility qualms at ease, in the end will he make you truly happy and content? Or, will there always be that passion and heat missing, leaving you feeling lonely, sexually deprived, and unfulfilled inside?

Have men become the smarter of the single sexes? Do most men think their “equipment” allows them to be perpetual baby-makers? Since most aren’t looking for a woman to support them, do they have the advantage to remain single and be players? Are most women searching for their Freudian father-figure where they have the picturesque image of the nice house with the white picket fence? Is contentment always the way to go? To me, being content means one has settled, and this isn’t always the best direction to take.

As we back through time, we’ll tend to see and find the same things....wars had been started over beautiful women...look at the Helen of the Trojan War....kingdoms were broken up over attractive women.... Mark Anthony and Cleopatra...religion was discarded because of lust and attraction… Sampson and Delilah… Henry the VIII (who in the 14th century established his own church in England so he could be granted a divorce...(which of course still is affecting us today, as there is still religious strife in countries such as Ireland). Have we all forgotten what deep love and passion is all about? Is everything now just purely focused on doing the “deed” only to fulfill our raging sex drives? Have the values of yester-year been compleately warped, and most men are just focusing too much on the beauty that was obsessed way before Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? Which way is the right way to go? Is there a right way?

Well, Miss Maven would like to clue all of you in. Whether your attraction is found because of looks, money, materialistic possessions, or intellect, the two most important and obvious pieces of a person are looks and personality. They both go hand and hand, and are equally necessarily to make for a dynamic relationship. Women should try holding out for that special one, and not settling just because their biological alarm clocks are about to go off, or because they feel pressure from everyone surrounding them. And guys, let your eyes wonder, and if you happen to be fortunate enough to meet a unique person with character, who’s sexy and fun, and great in bed, DON’T FUCK IT UP and DO NOT let her slip away!

PART III: IS THERE A RESOLUTUON...OR, SOLUTION?

2007-04-08T20:22:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes when in a relationship you may automatically assume that just because it’s a weekend, you’re doing something together. But, when plans are casually mentioned and not confirmed, the assumption of having plans with miscommunication often will lead to disappointments, arguments, and let downs when one isn’t on the same page as the other. WHY do so MANY men have trouble making definite plans, communicating them, and worse, following up? Why do they sometimes say, or hint, “Oh, let’s plan to meet up later that night or in the week,” and usually never end up coming through and leave a woman guessing. Don’t men understand that most women, when liking a guy, look forward to seeing him? Why do men even suggest plans when they can’t seem to follow through? Why are men so lackadaisical? Don’t men know most women get SO pissed off and irritated by this behavior? Many women may start to think a man is just all talk…. and anyone smart knows talk is cheap! Why often will men enthusiastically mention meeting up, and then completely blow off plans, never follow up, and worse, if you the girl, take the initiative to confirm so you don’t have to keep wondering what lingerie to where, he’ll say, “going out with my “boys” and doesn’t even invite you to join. Women just don’t understand how a man can’t follow through. When chemistry, connection, friendship, and attraction are all there, and it’s quite obvious that both of you are clicking, then one would think that as a man wouldn’t you want to try and snag and get to know this seemingly great woman, and at the very least see her enough to see if your feelings will remain the same after getting to know her? Why imply that you wanted to do something and then pull out, was it cold feet, or something else? WHY can men make and keep plans with their “boys” and not us women? Don’t they know finding a girl isn’t easy, and if you are lucky to find one you connect with on many levels then it’s time to ditch the stupid high school games? Why constantly wait until the LAST minute to ask to someone to do something and worse if have a set date, cancel and disappoint? Don’t most men realize contacting someone last minute for a date, or to cancel, is RUDE? Don’t men understand by acting like this it may leave most women and/or friends feeling slightly ticked off? Why can’t most man wake up and stop acting like morons, cut the shit, and stop behaving this way?

Well, I sympathized with Chase. Her situation with Kevin totally sucked! I know how much she cares about Kevin, and this is only the real issue she has but, as we ALL know…ISSUES that don’t get resolved and nipped in the bud usually will escalate into unneeded tension.

“Chase, my close and spectacular friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But, let me clue you in on this, truth be told, for one reason or another MOST MEN CANNOT make plans or commit. It’s a HUGE problem, and sadly there are VERY few men that are perfect and have impeccable ‘Ritz Carlton’ manners along with exquisite taste. I learned a LONG time ago from my ex boyfriend, Marc, NEVER assume you are doing something with someone unless asked and confirmed. Even if and when a guy hints, asks, or says to you to “let’s meet up,” or invites you on a date, NEVER set your expectations, or hopes so high because that day or night may possibly come where you may never hear from him, or he ends up contacting you and, flaking out. But when you do have feelings for someone, but something is holding you back or interfering like, age, timing, distance, finances, baggage, or possibly all your other friends are single, and all of this maybe causing you to be wishy washy: Then, maybe you should try taking a risk to find, and figure out where this relationship could go, and stop making excuses and being cowardly. After all there’s really nothing to lose, and who knows, you may end up being pleasantly surprised!”

Chase fully agreed with my theory and diagnosis even though she was still annoyed which, I COMPLETELY understood. After all, this wasn’t the first time Kevin pulled this crap. Being that she’s repeatedly discussed her feelings with him, of how doing things last minute without informing her bothers her, it still keeps happening. We both shrugged our shoulders and laughed, and kept on repeating, “We just don’t understand what’s so hard about guys making plans.”

From speaking with many women about why men can’t commit to plans, even if something feels so right they still don’t try. The majority have all agreed based on their varied experiences that most men are all talk and usually no follow through even if at one time or another a hole in one was shot. After all, if you can get in the hole once, then what’s the problem with being consistent--especially when deep down you know and feels that connection?

However, whether or not single, dating, or in a relationship, having plans with friends, mates, parents, or spouses, if plans are made, or tentatively mentioned, they should never be “assumed.” They should though ALWAYS be confirmed, and marked down so there is no disappointment, overlap, or miscommunication. It’s always better to ask, than to wonder, unless of course you are scared of the truth, and the possibility of not seeing this person leaves you to wonder what he, or she is really thinking, and doing. “Is he, or isn’t he into you?” Why do most men send mixed signals? Why can’t they wise up and go back to the way things were in the Victorian era of acting, looking, and being like respectable polished ladies and gents?

PART II: THE ANALYSIS

2007-04-07T16:46:00.000-04:00

I hung up the phone and thought to myself…..Hmmm….Most women will agree that “CHICKS” can almost always get the calendar out and make a clear-cut plan when asked to do something and are likely to confirm hours before meeting. However, if they’re going to be late, most women will usually call or text to let you know they’re going to be tardy. Why though is it that MOST MEN have problems making definite plans? Is it because often some men get scared and may think that if they make, and keep plans they’ll automatically assume the woman is SO into them that she’s thinking about the wedding before even going on a second date? Do men ever take the time to actually think that maybe she’s just looking forward to a fun night with someone she recently met, felt a connection and chemistry with, and just wants to casually see where things may go? After all, finding someone where almost everything fits isn’t always an easy task and no matter at what stage of life you are in, as long as each person has stability, why not test the waters -- do you really have anything to lose? HOWEVER, what’s really horrible is when some men do make plans, and more often than not, they think it’s ok to confirm 30 to 60 minutes before meeting as opposed to confirming before 2pm and being considerate and polite! Men, SMARTEN UP, advanced confirmation is preferred!

Since Chase and I can and did make plans, we met at Starbucks, got a quick tea, and both looked at each other and said, “You up for some shopping and schmeying around?” We both smiled and nodded, hell ya, always up for a trip to Saks!

Chase is in a relationship and contemplating whether or not to pull the trigger and move in with Kevin. I thought to myself, they’ve been dating long enough that if she’s being indecisive about moving in with him there must be some issue. As we were catching up, I was giving her “Jewish guilt” about not being able to do a girl’s night out.

“Ok, spill it, enough of the bull shit. Let the ‘Maven’ hear what’s going on and WHY you can’t do a girl’s night and what’s really holding you back from moving in with Kevin? Why are you being so iffy and indecisive? This isn’t like you!” This unintentionally opened up a can of worms and Chase began to vent.

“Ha! You are funny and VERY perceptive, too. You can always tell when I’m annoyed! Bottom line is, it’s how Kevin goes about making plans, and the fact that he can’t make definite plans is really annoying and bothersome to me. It’s gotten to the point that it’s getting under my skin worse than a frustrating, un-popable blemish!” I laughed!

“What? What do you mean he can’t make plans? But…you said you two had plans tonight.”
“Yes, we do, BUT we spoke briefly on Thursday about Saturday night, and he told me he spoke to his cousins who asked to get together with us but he never ‘set it in stone’ and instead left the plans up in the air. Why he does this, I don’t know. I told him you were coming into town and that Saturday night I wanted to do something with you if we weren’t going to do something with them. But the reason why I couldn’t tell you until today is because yesterday when I told him I was going to do something with you tomorrow night, he freaked and blurted out, “WHAT, we have plans with my cousins.”

“Well, this started a whole argument and boy did we have words! I reiterated the conversation we had THURSDAY morning about the POSIBILITY of doing something with his cousins Saturday night, but he never bothered to let me know that he did in fact make definite plans with them. I scorned him for not confirming the plans with me or checking to see if I was still free. I’m pissed because this is a reoccurring pattern with him. I’m starting to question whether I want to consistently keep being annoyed and frustrated by him. It’s not that I cared if we were doing something; it’s the FACT that he always waits until last minute to tell me he’s made plans. You’ve know me forever; I can make a plan the day before, follow through, or tell anyone in advance giving ample notice that I’m not free. BUT, for some reason, and like the majority of men, HE CAN’T make, confirm, and inform me of any plans he’s made…it’s driving me NUTS! I just don’t know what to do.”

I dropped my head down, rolled my eyes and saw Chase was quite frustrated and disturbed by the lack of communication with her Beau, like any woman would be.

PART I: THE PROBLEM

2007-04-06T19:36:00.000-04:00

Since text messaging and emails are today the preferred forms of communication for singles and couples, is this new fad overpowering the ability for meaningful communication? Oftentimes, when writing and sending messages via email or text, things that are written and were intended to be interpreted one way are often misinterpreted. Why is this? Is it because you don’t hear the tone, or perhaps the wording is unclear? Perhaps the text was interpreted negatively, or is it the fact that a text or email is so informal that sometimes what is written is often perceived differently as opposed to face-to-face “speech.” When you’re talking to someone, it’s usually pretty clear from their tone and the progression of the conversation what the person is saying, how they’re coming across, and there is less of a chance of miscommunication. Perhaps we’re blaming modern conveniences for an age old problem and we’re using texts and emails as scapegoats, when in reality it’s merely a tool utilized by a person who just does not want to commit. Is this the underlying truth: People have forgotten how to make the effort?

Since I was coming home for the weekend, and I wanted to see my spunky sisterly-like friend, Chase on Monday, I shot her a text to see if she wanted to grab a bite or a few drinks Saturday night. She responded, “I need to get back to you because Kevin [the boyfriend] mentioned something to me about doing something Saturday night, but he hasn’t confirmed with me yet.” I told Chase to let me know, (it’s no biggie either way), and that I’d ring her Thursday on my way back to Boston to confirm. “Ok, sounds great, can’t wait to see you!”

While waiting for the plane to leave on Thursday, I phoned Chase.

“Yo!”
“Hey!”
“I’m at the airport heading in. What’s your deal for Saturday night; are we on?”
“I still don’t know. Kevin hasn’t firmed up with me, which I’m SO annoyed about because I want to see you. He mentioned having plans with his cousins Saturday night, but I haven’t gotten a solid answer whether or not we are seeing them.”
“Well Chase, for heaven’s sake, when the fuck is he going to inform you, or are you just going to sit like a duck and wait? Oye, give a sista a break, I’m dying to see you!”
Chase laughed in the phone…“I know, I know…You have no idea what a constant battle it is for him to commit to plans, and on those rare occasions he does make them, he neglects to inform me ahead of time. It’s a real issue! We’ll discuss it more when I see you! How’s Saturday during the day, can I pencil you in?”
“Yup, sounds great.”
“How about we meet 1pm, Starbucks on Newbury?”
“Ok, sounds delectable!…The plane door is shutting; I need to shut off my phone. Can’t wait to see you Saturday, Bye.”

Change....Are You In or Are You Out?

2007-04-03T20:40:00.000-04:00

When do you grow up, see that your tastes in men or women have changed, and realize that those qualities you used like and be attracted to have changed? What made them change? Did you change? Did your habits, outlook on yourself and your life all change? Well, looking back to high school, then college, and now into my adulthood years, I start to see that not only are the things that I’m looking for in a mate different form what they once were, but it seems as if many other people’s tastes in men and women have also changed. Thinking back to your college days, remembering the hot Mr. GQ frat boy who ran the door at one of the hottest spots, and was also was someone who you once dreamt about naked, if met today, wouldn’t be someone you’d even consider dating, and the only thing you’d make sure of would be politely introducing yourself (and bat your eyelashes) so you’ll never have to wait in any peasant lines again, but instead be privileged enough to slip past that annoying velvet, red rope!

However, if met later in life--if you weren’t of similar backgrounds—even though he may have been hot with a decent job, this wouldn’t ever be someone you’d even give a second thought to about wanting to date. But why is this? Is it because as we grow up and we view people differently, depending on theirs and our various circumstances? Is that club guy with the hot bod and looks who’s only making $20 an hour plus the cash earned from being “duked” on a good Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night going to be able to pay for your child’s private school tuition to Philips Exeter? Seeing the whole picture of someone and separating and seeing what long term issues could arise, isn’t always easy to do. But as your tastes change, you start to realize that the characteristics which used to be an automatic turn on have now quickly switched to dim or just turned off. What you thought you had liked and found so attractive in your earlier years becomes less and less appealing as you’ve gotten older and interacted with many types of people and different personalities. When reality hits, and starts kicking and biting at you along with that little voice inside that doesn’t stop reminding you that even though he may have seemed sexy back in the day, today your perspective has changed, and you clearly see and know that he’s actually not right for you. Thinking long term, you ask yourself: “Do you really want your spouse or significant other to be “checking ID’s” and working a door?” As you move into your mid 20’s and 30’s, and think back upon all the men or women who have walked into and out of your life, all with various backgrounds and qualities, you think if only you could take something that you liked from each person you dated or met, and piece each ingredient into a full recipe, you would have the perfect man. Unfortunately though, this is MUCH easier thought and said than done!

Being out a few weeks ago with some of my single girl and guy friends, where the only thing they all had in common was me, it was very entertaining watching them interact with each other. Of course though, before they had all met, each friend constantly kept asking, are your friends “hot,” good bods…any blonde? And I must admit, it wasn’t so much the girls questioning or asking about looks as it was the guys…..WHY? Why were my “boys” so worried about my “girls” looks when, for once, I wasn’t even trying to play “matchmaker?” The night was just supposed to be a fun meet-up for drinks, possibly ending up with some newly-formed friendships, and maybe even a date for the lucky ones. I thought to myself, “Can’t my guys just go out with little or no expectations, and maybe an unexpected surprise will occur and they’ll be attracted to some chick with a brain, or other positive attribute, even if she’s not their normal type, a typical, dumb “blonde”? Why can’t they just go out, not ask so many questions, and look forward to a chill, fun night with no planned or intended marriages to take place? Well, easier thought than DONE!

Several drinks later when the alcohol was quickly entering the horny blood streams of my friends, no more questions were being asked, such as if one was carrying an extra few pounds, had thinning hair, was tall or short, or brunette or blonde. Instead, it was obvious moves were being made and several friends were being hit on. Quite amusing it was and also very mind boggling to see how after a few pops and being surrounded by too much testosterone and estrogen, minds let loose, vision became blurred, and cheeks started to blush! Being friends with them all and knowing how sexually frustrated most of my boys were, what wasn’t supposed to be an evening of matchmaking was slowly starting to turn, and the boys were putting on their moves! But, what most girls are able to figure out and see real quick is, if some guy that she is “in to,” takes her bait, and is actually into her. BUT, why is it that some men, after persistently trying to rub their hard dicks up against a girl on the dance floor and shove some tongue down her throat, just don’t realize and “get” when a woman is, or is not, sexually “in to you?” Just because a guy may get so turned on and hard from all the innocent dancing doesn’t in any way mean her feelings are the same or she is as turned on and wet for you. Why don’t some men understand or get this, when it all seems quite obvious? Are they just too drunk, stupid, and horny to see that a woman may just be using them for their slick dance moves and their paid-for table and bottles?

That night it was quite clear to me, even after drinking, that a couple of my girls were NOT into my boys and they made this VERY clear. Though, as clear as it was to ME and some others watching, WHY didn’t the guy stop pushing himself on the girl, lighten up, have fun, and get the vibe that she’s just not “into you” like that? Why though, even when the woman makes it perfectly clear that she’s just hanging out and having fun, certain men just don’t “get it?” And, why do most women seem to “get it” while most men, don’t, or so it appeared that night!

THE BRUNCH

2007-04-01T20:35:00.000-04:00

Colby and I couldn’t get out of bed quick enough and race down to the brunch. Not only were we dying for carbs to soak up all the booze from the night before, but we were also dying to find out how Alex’s night really “ended!”

I threw on my Juicy suit quicker than Colby could put on his sox.

“U Ready?”
“Yup!”
Great, let’s go. I need coffee and food, BAD!

Quite to our surprise, Alex and Jordan were already at brunch, laughing and feasting away. I didn’t know whose plate was fuller! Colby and I looked at each other, smirked, and in our under-breath voices murmured, “Guess those two woke up with quite the appetites!” We wondered, did all the arguing lead to them having a make up and hook up ending? Hmmm…..

We made our plates and joined them at the table. I sat next to Alex, and my nephew and the boys sat on the opposite side.

“So, guess you’re back to ‘speaking’ and voices and smiles instead of bitterness.” Alex and Jordan both glanced at each other--yes, the problem was resolved prior to our “nite, nites!” Alex kicked me hard under the table and pushed her hand into my leg. YUP, that was the sign I needed and was waiting for…THEY HOOKED UP! I looked at Colby and smirked and gave him a quick nod with my head to settle his curiosity; he smiled back. To say the least, it was definitely an interesting brunch!

After we all stuffed our faces and popped some Advil, we hung in the lobby to say all our “good byes” to all of the out of town guests. The boys went off to catch a glimpse of the Pats game, and I was about to have the “talk” with Alex to find out in DETAIL how the night really ended.

Men, let me clue you in. MOST women talk like most of you MEN! However, always know when it comes to sisters or best girlfriends, they will ALWAYS confide in each other. Word to the wise, be careful who you tell what to, because even though you may THINK someone will keep their mouth shut, sometimes unforeseen repercussions may happen. Being that Alex was my sister, telling me wasn’t going to be an issue!

“So? Do tell sista!”
“Well, we argued a little more, sat in 10 minutes of silence while we both got changed in to our jamies, and washed up and brushed, and then I sparked a J which broke the tension and silence. Jordan kept apologizing and admitting he was wrong and said even though we fought, he was happy he got to be my date and was extremely sorry. “Then, we both were ravenous and thirsty, so we picked up and dialed room service for burgers and water!

“After we stuffed our faces, laughed and gossiped a little about the party and some of the guest’s outrageous outfits, we hit the King-sized bed. Needless to say, he’s a great kisser and very cuddly.”

“Alex, SHUT UP. Did you or did you not do the deed? I want to know. NOW, YES OR NO? I could care less if you two spoon well together, how was the SEX?”

She screamed and turned blushing red, “IT WAS OUTSTANDING, and I slept like a baby afterwards.”

Haha, we both started to laugh! “Good, Good for you. You were WAY overdue! And we both know that having sex with a friend usually makes for a great night!”

That night between Alex and Jordan was never discussed or brought up again. No real relationship ever came other than several long weeks of not seeing or hearing from Jordan. After about a month of not speaking, which was starting to bother Alex more and more, she kept wondering if he was weirded out or may think they can’t go back to the way things were before they slept together. Alex decided that she had nothing to lose, so she shot Jordan a “what’s up” email. This started their dialogue again, which made her happy.

October 12th came and went, along with their night that got buried at the Copley Fairmont. Months and years have gone by, and each now has moved on to new relationships and endeavors, but they’re still friends today.

Why though, when friends sometimes end up hooking up, whether once or several times, and nothing more becomes of it, why isn’t what happened discussed ever again? Is leaving it alone with the possibility of asking yourself, WHY, and leaving your mind to wonder a good thing? If you can be intimate together, then why doesn’t something more get entertained? Or, does it just all revert back to maybe you two are just in lust and only sexually compatible? Or, is the real reason, that you are just scared to take that next step?

As the years go on, there may be days that pass by when you ask yourself, why didn’t you mention anything back then? Could it have been more, and you lost your chance by not taking that risk and throwing it out there for discussion? Looking back, maybe that person was your perfect mate, and because you let your timidness stand in your way for whatever reason you had, you now sit, still single and with unanswered questions and probably will never know his or her real thoughts. Is taking a risk and possibly being rejected such a bad thing when you really had nothing to begin with? In the end, I guess if you have unanswered questions, which aren’t much, as we know feelings really don’t know right from wrong, then I suppose there really isn’t anything to lose by having the chat and finding out the truth.

APPROPRIATE....OR IMMATURE?

2007-03-28T20:37:00.000-04:00

October 12th was here, the Saturday of the Bar Mitzvah. My whole family all reserved rooms at the Copley Fairmont, since we’d all be sure to be a little tipsy after party and all the kiddies, and probably the married adults, would be soundly tucked into their beds. So, Alex, Jordan, Colby, and I had made certain to discuss our “after party” plans, and all agreed that as soon as the clock struck Midnight and the cake was served, we’d hit the “open” bar for one last drink, say our good-byes, mosey on out in our black tie outfits, and hit a club for last call!

However, being that I had Colby, and Alex we knew wanted Jordan, when his drunken mouth started slurring, “Oh man, I can’t wait to see Adrienne, this hot waitress I met last weekend,” the tension was as thick as Aunt Emma’s braided challah. Now, most people know that if you go to a lavish affair with a date, it’s rude to “ditch” that person before attending the family brunch the next morning. After all, it’s just one night! Instead of thinking about your own wants and needs, sometimes you have to know how to forget about your dick and just make sure to do the right thing and put the other person first.

We end up at Sugar, although after hearing about Jordan’s potential post-party hook-up, my sister was “fit to be tied.” We step out of the car, and man did she let him have it! We hardly survived one drink at Sugar when the fighting between her and Jordan escalated, and the four of us quickly ended up back in a cab straight to the Copley Fairmont.

“I can’t believe that after such a nice evening you can even think to treat me like this; are you serious, Jordan? Did your parents bring you up this way, being disrespectful and RUDE?” I look at Colby and wince, uh oh, here she goes in full force; Jordan is in for an ear full!
“I can’t believe after such an entertaining, fun, and great evening, you had the audacity to pull this shit! What the hell were you thinking with some waitress bimbo?” Alex let out one of her “I can’t believe what an ass you are” sighs.
“I mean, do what you want when you’re alone, but with me, and my sister, and Colby there? Are you SERIOUS?”

“I’m so sorry Alex. I really am. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Jordan, you NEVER think, that’s your PROBLEM.”
“We aren’t a couple, and I didn’t know it was going to upset you like this.”
“Sorry? PLEASE Jordan, GROW the FUCK UP.”

The cab finally approached the hotel; it was the shortest ride and then again felt like it took forever! Colby and I just kept looking at each other and rolling our eyes, knowing that my sister had a point. Think about it, you ask someone to accompany you to a family event, spend the whole night with her family, sister, and her sister’s boyfriend, and as soon as it’s over, you act like a complete asshole and pretend for it to just be another night of you and your immature behavior…..Really, even Colby felt Jordan was being a dick and doing the wrong thing. Drunk or not, he should’ve had enough respect for Alex, as a FRIEND, and realized he was there to hang and be with her for the entire night, whether at the hotel party or after. It’s not like Alex was saying she wanted to “date” him or even “hook up” with him. Okay, maybe she was thinking and hoping, but all she really wanted was for her date to actually be a gentleman and finish the night as planned, with her, instead of having to bring in a 5th wheel--the waitress--last minute because he was horny and drunk! Is getting your drunken self some action more important than being a true FRIEND and doing the right thing?

Well, back in the lobby, I said my good nights to Alex and Jordan, and we went our separate ways back to our rooms, and beds. Colby and I took bets; will they keep arguing until one or each other passes out? Will they stop speaking and maybe smoke a joint, get the munchies, order room service, and then pass out? Or, will they keep going at it while sparking a J, order $20 over priced burgers from room service, say their piece, try to pass out, but hook up instead, maybe even realizing neither thought to bring a condom? Well, guess our minds would have to wonder until the eleven a.m. brunch! Man did Colby and I wish we were flies on the wall. Oh well, we went to our room and chose to forget about them and start focusing back on us!

However, many women and men, when asked to attend an event, sometimes have the hope of a private little after-part for two to finish out the evening. Maybe this “hidden agenda” is not on the mind of both parties, but like Alex and Jordan, when you sign yourself up to be someone’s date, the polite things to do is act appropriately, like a gentleman (or a lady)! Whether or not you may have wanted more, at least have enough respect for whom you came with to be their SOLE date for the duration of the evening! Oftentimes, when people drink, events and expectations become exaggerated. But no matter how intoxicated you may get, you should always remember being respectful and not always putting yourself first is the proper thing to do. Thinking back, how many countless evenings was something wrong said, or done? As a Maven and woman, I can say Grey Goose can sometimes have a weird after effect if something or someone is to set you off. My advice for the women: start drinking champagne, and for you men, stop drinking 10 Gooses on the rocks, and instead try watering them down with some tonic or soda!

A DATE....OR, MORE?

2007-03-26T19:13:00.000-04:00

Text goes off on the phone. It was Jordan, change of plans, no Mantra.
“Let’s meet at Rumor, we have a table there, ok?”
“Hey guys, Jordan wants us to meet him at Rumor instead. Okay with you?”
“Yup!” Alex replies, “See you in 5 minutes.” The fun is about to start; after all, we’ve already had good eats and drinks, and now the party was only going to get better. I thought to myself, “I hope he says yes; she’d be so psyched, and relieved!”

We gave the Rover to the Valet, cut the line (thanks to Theo and George at the door), and spotted Jordan in the VIP section--gotta love the no line, and VIP pimped-out table we had. Bottles were brought over and drinks were being poured. I saw Alex out of the corner of my eye starting to approach Jordan. Quickly swaying over so I could hear their conversation, I decided to be the nosey big sister and eaves drop while Alex made her move.
“So Jordan, what are you doing October 12th?”
He looked at her, smiled, and replied, “Geez Alex, that’s far away for me to even think where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing.”
“Well, I have my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and need a date, want the job?”
“SURE! I’d love to be your date; after all, at least you and I will be the best dancers there, can’t wait! Looking forward to it!” A big smile appeared all over Alex’s face; she was as happy as a girl or some guys in the shoe department at Bergdorf’s scoring a pair of Prada’s ½ off!

Alex runs over to me, “I know, he said, Yes. I could see your face light up and hear an ounce or two of the conversation! Ok, but now we need to forget about a night that is 3 months away and have fun here and now. Pour me another Veuve, please!” The rest of the night was a bit of a blur between the drinks and dancing, but it ended with us dropping Jordan off and Alex going home solo but in Bar-Mitzvah-date-bliss!

I’m sure Alex wondered what was going through Jordan’s mind like most girls do. Was he thinking the invite was going to be just an entertaining and amusing night, or was there more into her asking him than met the eye? But as many women and men may have more feelings than either knows, it’s anyone’s guess what the other is thinking. Why though, if feelings are there, won’t the man or woman come clean and express them? Are they afraid of hearing something they’re not ready to hear? Or, do they think if they just leave things unsaid and let nature take its course, things will just end up happening on their own and in due time?

& GUEST

2007-03-25T20:07:00.000-04:00

How many times have you received an invitation to a wedding, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, engagement party, or some other function where “& Guest” did not appear on your invitation? Well, luckily when the mail arrived, the 5 by 5 glossy navy and white invitation read, “Miss Alexandra Hammerstein and Guest.” Phew, my sister thought; for once they did the smart thing and invited her with a guest. I had already received my invite, and being that I had a boyfriend of 9 months, my brother made sure I knew that Colby was invited and would be receiving his own, separate invite! But, my adorable single sister, Alex, was so ecstatic that she immediately looked at me and was like, oh no, who am I going to invite? Being that the Bar Mitzvah was 3 months away, I smiled and told her she had some time to work on it!

Anyone single can probably relate, and as most of us will all agree, dancing solo—(or worse, with Nana Gertie)—tends to either lead to a completely boring and lonely night, or a REALLY drunk version of dancing to the Hora. Luckily for me, I had Colby, but Alex was torn on which one of her “boy-toys” was going to be her arm-candy for the night. I went down the list with her, first saying, “You better bring someone tall so you can wear those sick Christian Louboutin heels which look so hot with that black satin Calvin Klein dress, and your Jackie-O pearls.” Mmmm, she laughed, nodded, and thought, “Ok, I think I’m going to go out on a limb and ask Jordan.” Jordan and Alex had recently met over the summer through mutual friends. He was tall with a full head of think black hair, (almost Italian looking), but he was Jewish, and best part of him was he could dance like a rock star! I agreed, “Great choice, I hope he say’s yes!” Well, being that she was booking him 3 months in advance, and knowing how some guys can agree to go but also will often bail out last minute, I made sure to remind her that she better DRILL the date and event into him and tell him NO matter what, he CANNOT bail!

I had met Jordan several times. He was definitely a babe, perhaps a little immature, but hitting the town on any given night with him was never boring! At any party or event where there’s going to be open bar, good eats, and a band or DJ (and hopefully one that doesn’t make everyone do the electric slide), it’s never so bad if you have a shinning hot date on your arm who can also dance with, or without being loaded. However, I knew deep down that my little sis, even though she wasn’t so quick to admit it, had a slight crush on Jordan. I couldn’t blame her. Who wouldn’t? After all, he was far from ugly, short, or bald, and along with his charm, his personality like the icing on the cake!

That weekend, Alex, Colby, and I were going to Mistral for dinner and then hitting Mantra for drinks after--a typical Saturday night out in Boston. Alex looked at me, “Jordan is meeting up with us at Mantra. I’m gonna’ ask him tonight to be my date, and make sure he knows there are no strings”…just a friendly evening of him accompanying her to the party! I smirked at her as we were in the bathroom, and said, “Alex, my beautiful and darling young sister, NOTHING is ever innocent and harmless with you. I know you too well. Please, you CAN’T tell me that a part of you isn’t thinking that, after a few drinks, sexually frustrated from not being laid in months, and if, Jordan--the babe—accepts and is your date, a part of you isn’t hoping this innocent nephew’s Bar Mitzvah will turn into a night that’s maybe just what the ‘love’ doctor ordered.” Only problem was she had to hold out, since the party was still 3 months away! We laughed as we finished applying our gloss, paid the check, got the Rover, and bolted off to Mantra while blasting the tunes!

Going to any event, and being fortunate enough to be invited with a guest, can usually make for some spice, maybe a few fights if certain hopes aren’t met, and while looking forward to a delicious bagel, lox, and cream cheese you’ll wake up craving, only to hit the lavish brunch the next morning along with the bottle of Advil to help the ease the massive hangover and pounding head ache from all the booze you were sweating out from the night before. However, as a Maven who’s attended many events with various dates, where some blazed with fire while others simply simmered out….as you think back, how many of you single men and women wanted your date to land in your bed rather than on the sofa? Do you think he or she knew this, or just thought that they were being your supportive “friend” that accompanied you that evening? Well, stay tuned to soon find out what became of Alex and Jordan. Are they still friends post-Mitzvah? Do they hook up or have sex? Do they start to argue? Do they make up? Or, do they have a dramatic ending to the night of arguing, making up, and hooking up? But, why is it so rare that anything actually comes of any of the dates who accompanied you during the festivities? Did you let one slip on by? Or, did it stay all too friendly and innocent while never being addressed or talked about again?

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

2007-03-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

So much material in our world today tries to analyze and conclude why there are so many men and women single, going out on not enough good dates and way too many bad ones. Magazines, T.V. shows, and dating specialists all try to rationalize why many people today are still single. Why do so many people have problems finding that special one? Are they focusing too much on looks, which over time may or may not fade? Is it the endless excuse of being scared to commit, is she or he too fat or too thin, is height a problem, or just personality, or are men and women so set in their singles-way-of-life that deep down it doesn’t bother them? But, if that were the case, why do they sign up on a singles site, or even date? Is it just to satisfy the ragging hormones and get some action? Or, is the real problem--which isn’t easily admitted--YOU?

It’s very easy to think you may be the “perfect catch” on paper. However, hopefully you’ll find out that what may look so great on a résumé doesn’t always pan out in a face-to-face “interview.” Just because you may have a 6 pack, full head of think hair, fancy car, great career, and (if you’re lucky) hung like an elephant, DOES NOT mean that every woman wants to take your ride. What if you’re viewed as obnoxious; all you do is sit there talking about money or how many models you’ve been out with, how great you are in the sack, and how you’ve traveled to every country and get first dibs for going to every celebrity party or new opening. Is this going to keep a girl that you may really like into you? Why aren’t you still with the models? Why aren’t you hitched if you’re such the “catch” and SO great? Do you really believe that all these things are going to help land you the girl of your dreams and make her stay with you? Well, maybe if it’s the quiet, little bo peep innocent girl who just looks good on your arm, okay, but after a while, I can promise you all that shit wears thin. Sooner or later she’ll get annoyed with all the show and talk, and a point will come, (as perfect as you may think you are), where you’ll wake up to find, years later, you’re still alone and have nothing tangible other than you’re Porsche or Bentley car key--if you’re lucky enough to even be able to hold onto that!

But just like women get annoyed, what about a girl who thinks she’s the “perfect catch?” Even though she may be brilliant, IVY league educated, has a great career, comes from a nice home, what will happen when you get annoyed when she takes forever to get ready, is always snapping her gum, always on her cell, always late even when you tell her four times she MUST be on time, and it’s clear that she keeps putting herself before you even though you’re SO great and giving, and what once seemed like quite the “catch” from that instant attraction ends up being a nightmare? If the only real reason you’re with her in the first place is for her long legs, size 2 waist, and perfect C cup, if it ends up being long-term, you may soon find that she isn’t what you thought you’d signed up for.

Just because so many singles exist and are out there dating, posting on single sites and trying to find that perfect Mr. or Miss Right unfortunately isn’t that easy. If you’re fortunate to be able to “buy” your date or be seen on one of these speed-dating concepts as being loaded and looking only for an arm “piece” (that after awhile hurts your arm and dents your accounts more than you could have imagined), for the time being maybe you and she will be content. BUT, just because some guy is “loaded” or some girl is “hot,” all that can fade, and months later when you are either all shopped out or tired of all the brainless conversation, and your dick hurts from too much sex (because that’s the only thing keeping you two together), you wake up and think HOLY SHIT, I blew 100,000 in four months on someone, and where am I now…alone and $100K poorer?

Has our society put such an emphasis on looks, money, and materialistic and superficial things that it’s forgotten about what’s really important? Has it gotten more and more hung up on all the superficial bullshit instead of trying to address and fix the REAL problem and issue? Is the problem that most of the singles out there today have totally forgotten what it means to have strong morals and keep good values? Is that what the real issue is? And is the reason why most singles are thought of as having too many excuses as to why they can’t find someone really because we’re afraid to admit that perhaps we may not be looking far enough ahead, and thinking: will this person be a good mom or dad? Will they be understanding and emotionally supportive? Will they take care of me if sick? Are we intellectually, and physically compatible? Just because vows only get said when getting married, if you are fortunate enough to find someone and hit that point with, this doesn’t mean these words should be meaningless when dating and trying to find that special one! Men and women better start trying to understand that what may seem great for the moment doesn’t always turn out to be great down the road. As a Maven I’ve seen many friends rush into things for wrong reasons and get lost in the moment. One must always try to stay those two steps ahead, because by being ahead, very rarely do you ever fall behind or have to catch up or start over!

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

2007-03-22T08:46:00.000-04:00

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

2007-03-22T08:43:00.000-04:00

There comes a time, usually in your mid 20’s and after, that you will start noticing that your single friends are dropping like flies and getting “hitched.” If you are one of those lucky singles left, you will be keen on your friend’s choice of partner, husband, or wife, and hopefully will be comfortable enough to sometimes be the “3rd wheel.” Unfortunately though, oftentimes you’ll hear awful stories of how some friends can’t stand their friend’s significant other, and cannot fathom why they chose to marry this “loser.” Thankfully, I’m not in that position and I happen to truly adore all my married friends’ “SOs.” However, being still single, you will usually find that making plans with your married friends doesn’t come as easy as it did when you were all a bunch of young singles, scoping out the party scene, and staying out to wee hours of the morning. Sooner or later, your married friends start ditching going out to the trendy corner bars and choose to spend their evenings in, trying to please their new spouse. Have they just forgotten what it was like to be single, go out, have a little fun and let lose?! After all, shouldn’t married women and men always feel they can innocently flirt? As long as it stays innocent, doesn’t this make for a better, more trusting relationship?

As your single friends fade and start marrying off, just like you start to live “married life” vicariously through THEM, THEY, in turn, love hearing your crazy stories and begin to think back to what life was like before they said “I do.” In the past several years, I’ve celebrated many engagements, weddings, and even got a glimpse of what it will be like to carry a “bun” in the oven. Thankfully for my dear friend, Rochelle, I’ve seen how a good marriage that has independence and trust remains fun even when with a kid is attached at your hip! Rochelle met her husband, Joey, an old friend of mine from Boston, on an internet singles site. I was thankful that he met someone so vivacious, energetic, confident, and great, because now she also has become one of my closest married girl friends, whom I was able to share with in the experience of her 9 months of pregnancy that ended with an adorable baby girl.

We met at the beginning of her pregnancy, and spent hours one snowy day at New York Medical because what we thought was a blood clot was just the kid tugging at her ribs. As we learned, pregnancy is not only about getting a whole new wardrobe filled with designer maternity clothes, but also can be painful and exhausting, too. However, being her friend, I was able to experience all the steps of pregnancy through her, and was quite surprised to see her run up and downtown, ride the subway, schlep here and there, without being the typical complaining pregnant friend and/or wife that I expected her to become--worse than a bride turning into “bridezilla.” Her pregnant and unable-to-drink self and I went to all the so called “hot and trendy spots” for dinner, and since she’s a walking Zagats, besides constantly hearing about her ever-enlarging cup size and what the embryo feels like in her belly, I got a taste of all the posh spots! Quite the little trooper she was while having to watch me order steak, tuna or salmon tar tar, meanwhile salivating from not being able to have anything raw, let alone a glass of wine to wash it down!

HOWEVER, what happens when some of “those” married friends who used to be the life of the party and the sickest on the dance floor, get hitched, and often start acting as if they’ve prematurely aged after only one year of marriage, and what used to be reservations around 8 is now the early bird Boca Raton special, dinner at 5:30? Of course, if they’re really lucky and score a nanny who will stay past ten o’clock, then just maybe they’ll catch a flick while hoping not to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion!

You’ll invite your friend to do dinner, and they’ll reply, “I can’t; I promised so and so I’d cook” even though you are well aware it’s the same story every time you ask. “I need to be home for my husband or mate” becomes their typical excuse, and it turns out that all they ever do is go for coffee or lunch during the day. Single, you sit there and wonder: “is this going to be how MY life turns out, staying home every night, only going out with my friends when my other ½ is working late, taking care of the kids, or watching TV and getting fat while turning into a couch potato? Hey, but then my alter ego thinks, maybe this is what the “marrieds” like to do! Friends will sometimes show no interest in you or your life, all because they get wrapped up and often trapped in their married life, causing them to slowly lose sight of friendships and events that were once so meaningful. So, years later, after pushing out the kid, always revolving your lives around each other and/or your kids, doing endless amounts of laundry, cooking all meals, they’ll wake up one day and start to think, have I lost my total independence? What I am doing and where’s my life? Shouldn’t we be able to have a joined life together while still maintaining who I am? See, what some couples just don’t understand is that keeping a life of your own, and having your “me time,” is a crucial element in keeping any relationship or marriage healthy, fun, and together.

I’ve heard and seen many husbands or wives who have a jealous side, which often is worse than that bitchy and jealous girlfriend or selfish boyfriend who is so insecure that they try to control who you are and who you remain friends with. If you are perceptive enough, you can wake up, acknowledge, and see that side of the person before you’ve blown 20-30K for the rock, signed a pre-nup, and said your vows. Why is jealously such an issue in relationships? Are people that insecure of their partner or themselves that this act causes the relationship to crumble and arguments start over who your “friend” of the opposite sex is that calls and texts you at 2:00 am? Some people feel so threatened, that when they “happen” to ease drop, and overhear a conversation or see an innocent look given, this innocent behavior sometimes gets perceived the wrong way causing fights to begin. COME ON NOW, IT’S TIME TO GROW UP. All this really ever is, is exaggerated high school bullshit and drama. You must stop being so immature, untrusting, and worse of all, jealous. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you’re always tip-toeing around and making sure you clear and delete a text or a # of someone who’s called so that if you’re other ½, if checked, they wouldn’t see and get the wrong message and get their panties all tied in a bunch? Assuming and jumping to conclusions before hearing the truth will most likely only lead to one thing: an unnecessary argument.

Fortunately, it is so refreshing to see that Rochelle is an independent, confident, hardworking (at her own career), loving wife and mother, and also still craves and loves having her “girl’s night out,” regardless of whether it’s a weekend or weekday night. There’s no consistent pattern in her relationship other then when to feed the baby and pump! Keeping your own life isn’t that hard, yet men and women, when in relationships, seem to forget that there’s no need to spend 24/7 together, and what started out as being a fun and spontaneous relationship can very quickly become a boring routine. Being co-dependant can be an unhealthy way to live life. If you can have fun together, and have fun alone, what’s a night or two out, knowing you’re coming home to a partner or spouse’s cuddly arms and warmed up bed? So why then, when in a relationship, do SO many men and women try to control and monopolize the other? Is this really the way to live? Is the real, unaddressed problem TRUST? Well, as a Maven who’s independent, career oriented, and has been in some relationships where the guy tried to control, (which ultimately never worked), I will say it’s NOT a way to live your life. Being controlled by someone because they have more trust in the inmates at the state penitentiary than they do in you is not what you really want. BUT, I can almost guarantee that trying to control someone, with or without trust, will usually create problems within your relationship. My Maven advice is that everyone who is in a controlling relationship or in a relationship where jealousy, mistrust and unhealthy co-dependence exists or is starting to develop, should first learn how to be alone before they take that next step being with someone else. You need to become secure of yourself, so when you do find your mate and start a relationship, this isn’t affected by your own problems and issues that should’ve been nipped in the bud in your adolescent years instead of causing unnecessary drama and fights post college, and into adulthood.

Dirty Talk

2007-03-18T20:59:00.000-04:00

SEX. It’s great, feels good, is pleasurable, exciting, and with some may start out “iffy” but (if done again with the same person) may just keep getting better and better. BUT, what happened to sex being a little mysterious? Has society painted it out just to be “raunchy and dirty?”

We often see couples cheating, screwing in strip clubs, bathrooms, oceans, and getting so drunk that they end up having a one-night-stand. However, do men just think relationships are only about getting laid? What happened to a man displaying the fundamentals of passion and romance by courting a woman, while leaving some mystery before showing their full hand? Having “IM’d” with many online singles without having met face to face, oftentimes the “sex talk” will arise. Why is it that so many men feel the need to have the sex talk, discuss what positions they like, where they’ve “done” it and how they loathe women who are dead fishes, what turns them on and off to, and how many times a day they need it? Well, many women are VERY turned off by the “sex talk” especially if they haven’t even met the guy. Some women are great in the sack and make wonderful lovers, but find the suspense and mystery about someone most enticing. Don’t men understand that talking about sex turns some women off? Does it ever occur to most men that women may get the impression that by talking about SEX, it seems like that’s the only thing you’re interested in or care about, and aren’t really searching for that meaningful romantic relationship?

While instant messaging with Francois, he told me how he was multitasking and having the “sex talk” with some “chick” he just met online. Being in the similar situation and having the conversation brought up by men, several times, I laughed and thought to myself, “Do they think the talk will get them some action?” Is it so they can get all clammy and aroused? Are they trying to substitute IM sex for the actual person? Although from judging what little they’ve learned, are they just assuming the “chick” isn’t for them? Are most men just being the typical, horny dog who lays in their beds iming themselves to hardness? Is it only about jerking off just so they can relieve their sexual frustration from feeling a void of not having a significant other in their life? Or, are some men just really insecure and feel that by talking to a girl about sex she will be more turned on and “into him?”

I’ve heard so many women complain that today’s men just aren’t romantic, and that all they’re looking for and want is a work out for their dicks! Fact: MEN, talking about sex before doing the “deed” to most women is a MAJOR turn off. Do men really understand how to spice things up outside of the bedroom and leave that ever-lasting romantic impression? Do they really think that by sending or bringing flowers home every now and then, or planning a typical evening out at some posh restaurant is being romantic? While some may think it’s thoughtful and nice, and it is, it’s also, SO generic.

Looking back, when I was dating Sampson, I can remember that he was so rough around the edges that he thought that getting tickets to the Producer’s for my birthday was considered romantic. While it was very thoughtful of him, sitting there watching him falling asleep while the drool dripped wasn’t my idea of being “romanced.” Men AND women should always desire and want to do something special and unexpected for one another, rather than just feeling pressured to do so only on “Hallmark” or calendar-marked days. Many don’t understand that being romantic isn’t about only being able to charge a gift; it’s about being creative doing something unique!

Why don’t men know how to make an effort and try to actually put some thought into what being romantic is really all about? Are most men and women today so naïve that they just don’t see the importance of romance in relationships? Planning to do something out of the “norm” for someone you care about and trying to impress them shouldn’t be difficult, yet too many just don’t know how to go that extra step. WHY? Do they really believe that taking someone to a fancy shmacy restaurant like Daniel for an expensive overrated meal that is usually shit out the next morning, their idea of romantic? Yes, it’s a nice thing to do, BUT please! It’s SO cookie cutter and ordinary! To romance someone, you must try going beyond the boring text books that you covered with brown paper bags back in high school, and instead make it more like a fairytale that’s never forgotten. So many relationships today tend to fall apart from men and women forgetting the importance of keeping the honeymoon period alive. How can we keep our relationships fresh so they don’t become stale and boring? Is it when the adventure and spontaneity is lost and forgotten and every night is all just about dinner, staying in and watching some flick, that a pattern is created and couples become bored and start losing interest in each other EXCEPT for when IN each other?

Men, like many women, become conditioned and get comfortable in the relationship. When the relationship starts becoming too easy, and you start acting and feeling like you’re an old married couple before even signing the
pre-nup, is when many couples tend to forget that a relationship is a two way street, and if one is putting more in than you are getting out, problems start to arise. If you are the one doing and making more effort and you’re starting to feel that the relationship is all about convenience rather than pleasure, excitement, and love, you start making up excuses for the other, and think: Will you ever be fully content or truly happy? If you want the relationship to survive, then it must change from being a one way street to having two-way traffic. Fact: IF THERE IS NO EFFORT ON HIS OR HER BEHALF, THERE IS A PROBLEM. THE QUESTION IS, IS IT FIXABLE OR IS THE RELATIONSHIP TOO MUCH OF AN EFFORT AND SHOULD BE FINISHED? ARE YOU BOTH STAYING TOGETHER JUST FOR THE SEX?

How do you keep the fire lit so the relationship that started out so extraordinary doesn’t turn into something common and boring? Are you staying together just for the sex and making excuses for the boredom, lack of romance, and adventure? Do you start trying to convince yourself things will change if you stay together, yet are feeling deprived on all levels outside of the bedroom? Many men and women lose sight that you constantly need to make each other feel special and wanted, and show that you really miss, need, and desire each other. Some guys will always put their friends first, when what they really should be doing is putting the woman and the relationship first. I can remember speaking online with several men, and automatically they start talking about how he’ll take you here or there, how you are going to be great together, how he’s a monster in the bedroom, and how he needs it twice a day if not three times…..NO. TURN IT OFF. STOP trying to create something that hasn’t yet been created. Just like you may think she has great “knockers” in her pic, it’s when her shirt comes off, you find out it was all an illusion from her Victoria Secret Wonderbra. Well, as some things can look appealing on the outside, and your “sex talk” can be so hot and heavy that you are so hard and wet, that when you actually end up meeting, because you’ve set your expectations so high, you quickly become disappointed, completely turned off, and dried up! TRUTH: Often that hot online picture was air brushed. Do you really want to even think about beginning a relationship on a LIE? Women and MEN, you must learn that creating something that isn’t who you are does NOT help you land a partner or get yourself laid. Most singles need to see that what may seem attractive in a profile, IM talk, or in emails and on the phone, doesn’t mean you should set your expectations so high, get all excited and start thinking you’ve met your “match,” and are done! That actual face-to-face meeting may have you slamming on the BREAKS. Remember now: just as quick as you got so pumped up, that’s as fast as you can deflate and delete.

Finding that special one is not an easy task, and just from 2 or 3 dates with someone where most put their pedicured feet or “chest” forward, doesn’t mean after getting to know his/her true colors, flexibility, climax, and positions, your feelings don’t change down the road. From several of my own experiences, my Maven advice is to stop trying to create a relationship without first meeting the person. A good talker isn’t always a good lover, and intense sex will most likely become all too ordinary if that’s the only great part of the relationship that’s keeping it afloat.

Thong.....Or Bloomers??

2007-03-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

Is being single in your 20s or 30s such a bad thing? Why is it that so many parents are so quick to see their children married? Is it to take them off their ATM (if you’re that child to still be on it)? Is it so they can have the gratification of being grandparents to make them feel young again? Or, is it because they got married, had kids, and did the “norm,” that they’re expecting their children to follow in their same footsteps? Does this necessarily mean our parents are, or were, “perfect role models” and that we should follow their “map” and live our lives like theirs? Or, do they just not understand how being single and out there dating often, if done too much, turns into added pressure, or starts feeling like it’s becoming another job?

Well, NO. Some parents today just don’t understand what it is like to be single, working, surviving, and going out every-other night. As my mother voices, “Don’t you get sick of going out to the same places, seeing the same people, and waking up hung-over, speed dialing Hot n Crusty to deliver you a bagel? Aren’t you tired of it?” I chuckle every time she tries to switch me over to a different way of thinking—her thinking. However, unlike many singles, I love staying in, don’t care that I’m single, and choose one or two nights, (typically Thursdays and Saturdays), to be out and about! However, parents have trouble understanding or even imagining what it is like to stroll in at wee hours of the morning after having had several cocktails, and have to wake up and be at the office before nine. That’s not to say they should have to fully understand our generation, but living in the twenty-first century, they should at least be able to “deal” and try to accept our generation’s views and lifestyle.

But, is our generation too magnanimous? Was theirs better? Maybe it was…maybe there weren’t so many singles, maybe life was easier back in their days, maybe most people today take others for granted, using their cell phones to text instead of having to actually converse. Is today’s generation so indulged and spoiled that people have forgotten how to appreciate someone or something? Living in this incredibly single, expensive, and fast-paced city where almost anything you could possibly want is delivered to your door step within an hour, are we expecting then that our relationships can be delivered as such? (Unfortunately, charging a meal, and sometimes on Mom and/or Dad if you’re still dipping into their pockets, is a whole lot easier than meeting “the one.”) Well, the ‘rents can push, pray, and sometimes still pay, or even try setting you up on a dates, HOWEVER, that’s usually not going to get you “hitched” any faster then you throwing your pants on, and doing the walk of shame out the next morning!

After a few dates with someone new, why do so many WOMEN want and feel the need to introduce this “newbie” to Mom and/or Dad? By no means whatsoever do we see most MEN rushing to bring a woman home to meet his parents. In fact, it’s just the opposite; most men usually take their sweet time to even ask a girl out, that introducing her to his family is often a painful and lengthy wait. Are most women illustrating that they are insecure of him (or themselves), therefore feeling the need for parental approval? Do they think he will view her any differently after watching how she interacts amongst her family? What goes through a guy’s head when he thought that your Saturday night was just for “2”, and unexpectedly at 5pm is informed its been changed to “4” (the 2 extra being Mom and Dad)? It was sprung on him so late that he didn’t even get that “window” for escape or be able to brainstorm some lame excuse of why he can’t join. This unexpected plan will no doubt create some unnecessary tension, and as close as you may have thought you two were getting, you may have unknowingly spun the relationship in a different direction, leading him to pull away and close up. Don’t women get it: meeting the parents and springing important things last minute without proper communication may (and often does) scare the guy away! When bringing a “date” to meet one’s parents, you’re most often saying that you want to speed the relationship up. But, the fact is, you aren’t on a treadmill or sitting with your remote being able to press fast forward. Relationships take time! The ones that usually move fiercely will most likely end up crashing and burning before the air bag even had its chance to pop. As a Maven, and after several experiences of introducing a guy to my “rents,” I’ve learned to STOP being so anxious, and under most circumstances, wait until he introduces me to his before he meets mine! Now, for everyone looking back at all the men and women you may have brought to meet your parents, was it really that important? Did it ever actually help your relationship?

The Truth About "Hanky Panky!"

2007-03-14T21:50:00.000-04:00

Why are so many men and women single today? Is it like most women think, “a man’s world?” Or, is the underlying problem in the women, and not the men? Most single women claim they are single because it’s the men who don’t pursue anything more than a fling, and show trouble when having to “commit.” Oftentimes men, no matter what age they are, don’t even understand how to ask a girl out in the proper fashion. When speaking with Brady, a male friend of mine, I was telling him how while at my friend’s party, I met a “prospect” who, on the “surface” seemed like a sincere, quality guy, I’d be interested in getting to know. Since we had exchanged contact information and hung, clung, and chatted the night away, I couldn’t understand why a week had gone by and I hadn’t heard from him. Brady said, “SO? Pick up the phone if you want to talk. For heavens sake, it’s the 21st Century; what’s the big deal?” Well, to MOST women, having to initially contact the man is a BIG deal. Why should a woman have to initiate and “pursue” a man? Just because society has allowed many women to hold aspiring careers like men doesn’t mean that when it comes to relationships, a woman shouldn’t have to reach out and make the first move. Even modern women want a little chivalry every now and then.

Recently my friend sent me an article to read which focused on women and relationships. It was saying how women are actually the ones actually playing the game, “kiss and run.” I can remember times when I have met a great guy, such as Harrison, whom at first sight and in every way possible was fully enthralled with and attracted to and found myself fantasizing about dating him, hooking up with him, having fun together, and what life may entail if we were that “hot couple.” Because there are SO many characteristics that attract you to a person, one really must figure out and decide what composes their “perfect 10.” Was I judging Harrison on the “surface” and being superficial? Or, was I looking at his Breitling watch and Gucci flip flops and liking him for his “materialistic goods,” great style? Just because someone has a nice watch or good taste in flops doesn’t necessarily mean that after the layers of Hanky Panky’s and Calvin Klein briefs come off he, or she, will complete your “perfect 10.”

Was Harrison’s brain thinking the same as mine? I didn’t know jack about him to determine what was going through his brain. OR, if he had met my “perfect 10.” Since I had just met him, and most guys can put on a good “poker” face and play a good game, and having “peaked” my curiosity with his “hot bod” and fabulous style, I decided to play my cards and see what lies ahead since all I had was questions racing through my mind. Since he was overly “flirtatious” with me, I wondered if he was relationship material, or if he was just your typical, Playa? Hopefully we have all hit that point and realize that just because some hot guy with shining blue eyes gazing at you and a rock-hard waxed body (that any girl would fantasize jumping), doesn’t mean he’s flawless. Even having come to the understanding that it goes WAY beyond what’s on the surface, I still wondered in my “dirty brain,” since everything on the outside SEEMED so, “WELL ENDOWED,” was his inside that way, too? Fact: Some women’s minds can be just as raunchy and dirty as your men’s!
My first impression of Harrison was that he seemed like “my type” of guy. My “take” was that he was classy, well manicured and groomed (with no hairs left out of place or finger nails overgrown), a chic dresser--not the “Dockers” type—who also appeared to have excellent taste. (Now, just to CLARIFY, excellent taste does not necessarily mean one “flaunts” their dough or buys the most expensive or name brand items.) Harrison’s charismatic charm along with his exquisite manners and direct eye contact showed me his street smart and sexy sides. Needless to say, he had caught my “full attention.” But because my brain was fogged while trying to decide right there and then if he was my “perfect 10” (and, we all should know that one night isn’t enough time to figure that out, but one can wish), and my “hormones” got the best of me and were clouding my vision that, before I could even blink, or think Harrison may be spoken for, all those visions quickly became illusions when his girlfriend of 6 months barged through the door. Just because you find someone sexually appealing, you tend to find yourself “sucking” them in and whisking them out of your life quicker than your cleaning lady can strip your smelly, cumed-on sheets off.

FACT: Both men and women don’t take a time-out to analyze. They are too quick trying to convince themselves that just because you had “chemistry” with the opposite sex and envisioned them naked they will turn and be your “perfect 10,” or what you want as your life-long sex partner.

However, what makes up your “Perfect 10?” Will every single you meet be able to fulfill your dreams? For some, the “perfect 10” is composed of several attributes: looks or personality, motivation and drive, or the passion in a person. For others it could be where they pick, (or how they pay for), your first date—platinum or cash. (If they pay with cash, does that mean they have bad credit and can’t have a credit card?) Or, it could be where they went to college, IVY or STATE, or how and where they were raised. Maybe your “perfect 10” depends on what type of car they drive, or their career and goals--are they making “six figs” or more, one may think? OR, it may depend if they come with a small
Herve Chapelier carry-on, or a trunk full of baggage. For some people, the “surfer-dude” is the biggest turn-on, reminding them of their Malibu Beach Ken and Barbie dolls. And for others, it may be the “Harvard intellectual,” who is never seen at Starbucks without a copy of The Economist.

Because there are so many single men and women in society, people often misjudge, misinterpret, and find themselves questioning why, after what had seemed to have been a “good” date, and while securing you into a taxi, he manages to “slip in” along with a “peck” that he’d call you this week for plans. Then, WHY does a man “give up,” delete the number or store for “safe keeping,” yet says and acts like he wanted to go out again…why don’t they just DO what they say?

In the article from my friend, it spoke about Fear to “Commit,” and contained a little “Commitment Phobic” quiz. Is the answer that he is “hiding” by not calling and not reaching out due to the fear to commit? Or are we using the fear of commitment as a “crutch” to STAY single? When do you finally see that just because there are many singles out there, will you ever WAKE up and realize there aren’t many that fit in your “nook.” What is it about that person that gave you that “connection?” In the first few moments you find yourself fantasizing what it would be like if you had unbelievable passionate, hot and wild sex together? Could this person be your “prince” AND meet your “perfect 10?” Yet, somehow you just aren’t seeing it growing right in front of you, and let your fear stand in your way? How do you figure out what your “perfect ten” is, and open up, and face your fear? You may be giving up before you even allow yourself to really decipher if you passed up a great lady or gent because you were too immature to face the real problem, and still too much of a Playa to see that playing gets old faster than you? What if you met a GREAT person that you REALLY liked (or even better--they are your “safety friend” that everyone keeps saying to you, is PERFECT for you) BUT, for whatever “buried” reasons and excuses you can make, you don’t chase her other then to grab a happy hour drink, or for a late night “Booty” call? If these actions implying that you’re trying to “figure things out,” when does that time finally come? Or, are you just looking for a temporary “piece?” When you do take the time to stop and see that deep down the answer, you just want to scream, YES, you are SCARED to commit! Well, grow up, and stop playing the “field;” you’re not getting any younger and wouldn’t it be nice to always have a “play mate?”

Fact: It’s normal to be “scared;” HOWEVER, that shouldn’t be enough for you to hide and not take that leap. You won’t know unless you try!

Why not try opening the door, and taking the time to get to know someone (that maybe just more than a one night fling) whom you apparently enjoyed taking out, BEFORE passing up on someone who may have been your “perfect 10?” Is it because you’re allowing your dick to act as your brain? Dreaming and fantasizing is SO easy to do, as seen in my infatuation of Harrison. Just because there are SO many dicks and pusses out there, doesn’t mean every one is a “perfect 10.” Hasn’t the moment in time arrived where your dick is getting sick of all the different licks, and would like to know it’s finally taken so many trips that now it’s landed the best one? Time has come to now open your eyes and begin to “clearly” see that just because you have tried SO many different flavors, you may actually be overlooking a classic favorite. By tasting that new flavor that just maybe the opening you needed. And, if liked then, why not dive in and try it again, with the possibility of getting “lucky” that it will only taste even better time and again! BUT, by letting your “fear” stand in your way, you may sadly one day end up with regrets until that cold ice bucket of water gets dumped on you that makes you realize that “perfect 10” you once tried, and liked, is gone. What most people don’t understand and VERY seldom see, is that just because so many singles exist, this doesn’t mean every one you meet is the right for you or, your “perfect 10.”

NOW, WATCH OUT. If you meet someone who doesn’t fulfill your sexual lust and desire, and the attraction isn’t initially there, but there are things about the person that you like, maybe then you should try giving the person a “shot”…..However, as a Maven, who has once or twice tried to “force” that “chemistry and “attraction” which never grew then, I firmly believe if only ½ of the “perfect 10” is there, and you are trying to force what’s missing, then you will never be fully satisfied, and your eyes will always wander. Now, if you take a look back, how many of you out there realize you may have given up or overlooked what may have been your, “perfect 10?”

Back, Sack, & Crack

2007-03-10T17:56:00.000-05:00

It’s very easy to be at home surfing all the singles websites on a cold winter night, and then going out drinking and fulfilling your daily calorie intake while meeting some random “dude” at a bar. One gets to a certain point in their life where they just don’t frequent the bars/clubs as much as they used to, and instead find themselves sitting at home, searching the net looking for singles. Could we ever have imagined, years ago, that we just may find our husband or wife in the world of internet dating?

You start by posting a profile and picture, and in the boxes where is asks you to tell about yourself, you sit there and think about what to write. Do I speak the “truth” or do I say the generic; I’m looking for my “soul mate,” I want a “best friend,” or I like the movies, clubs, bars, and museums…and don’t forget, oh, I’m SO athletic. Then, you click on the second picture and you think—ATHLETIC! This guy looks like he weighs 250 pounds. Is his sport of choice pie-eating contests? Along with reading many profiles and random emails you get, I find it fascinating how SO many of them aren’t TRUE. How do some of you men actually think that posting a picture back when you where 160 pounds and had a full head of thick black hair is going to get you laid at 35 when you are BALD and 80 pounds heavier? When you click on the second picture to find out that the first picture is from ten years prior, it can be QUITE shocking. Where did all his hair go; where’s his “baby face” and “athletic build?”

Starting a relationship of any sort on lies and misrepresentations is NOT going to help you in the long run. Men and women, at some point, figure out what it is they are attracted to. For some it’s brains, looks, personality, family background, religion/culture, careers, sexual orientation, or for the gold diggers, how much loot is in the bank. Well, it’s very easy to hide and lie on all of the above when placing your singles posting, and I will tell you, it SUCKS! I have been out on so many online dates that I stopped counting! The guy will say he’s 5’10” and I, 5’8”, will put a tiny heel on and meet the guy only to find out he’s almost a whole head shorter than me, and his eyes are at breast-level. Is that any way to start off…by LYING? Even worse, is when in the picture they have a FULL head of hair, and when you meet them you find they’re as bald as the Boston College eagle! Men, do you like “bald women”? Maybe some of you do, or maybe some like that little strip called the Brazilian, but either way, I’m sure a woman, if asked, wouldn’t LIE so that when you go down on her you find a grass field and become so turned off that you jump up, throw your pants on, and bolt faster than a rod of lightening!

Being well-maintained and manicured is just as important for men as it is for women. There is nothing worse when playing footsies with someone and their feet are rough or their nails are so long that they scratch you every time your legs rub against theirs. Seriously, get yourself into the Korean’s for a pedicure! What about hair--the topic MOST women HATE about men. Out of all the women I’ve had this conversation with, there is NOTHING worse than a man who is covered from head to toe like an “ape.” Men, do you like a woman who doesn’t shave or wax? Well, let me introduce you to the “J-sisters.” It’s on 57th Street, and they give a wax like never before. GET IN THERE! Back hair, chest hair, hair around your balls, TRIM IT, BUZZ IT, WAX IT, but somehow get rid of it and clean it up! I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with my metro sexual guy friends at Salvi’s, this unbelievable barber shop in Newton, Massachusetts. For 11 bucks, the men get a clean trim and a little shave. Now, there are other men I know who spend over $50 on a hair cut and the hairdresser, but then the client won’t shave the neck, leaving this hair from their back EWWEEEEE nothing more unattractive! Men, you must do something about this problem. You could be a very handsome man, have a great personality, and the girl may really like you, but the hair problem needs to be addressed.

It was winter time; there was a UJA (United Jewish Federation) charity event at the Puck building in New York. I end up meeting one of my friends, Josh. He’s tall, funny, a great dancer, and a “hairy” Israeli! How could I tell he was hairy? Well, it was quite obvious. He had greasy, longish-length THICK hair, rough like scruff on his face, and I sensed he was a hairy like “ape.” Sure enough, we ended up going out for drinks after the event. He took off his blazer to coat check it, and unbuttoned the first 3 buttons on his white Hugo Boss button down. MAN when I tell you I could’ve French-braided the hair on his chest! Oh my god, I was SO turned off. Not to sound mean, but come on now. MEN, just like how you like a clean girl “down under,” please have some pity on us ladies and start cleaning yourself up before being SO critical on us!

Make Up Or, Break Up Sex?

2007-03-09T11:54:00.000-05:00

Anyone knows that New Year’s Eve can either be really, REALLY fun, or REALLY bad. I keep trying to convince myself that staying in and getting sushi take-out with a bottle of red wine and champagne to toast with when the ball drops is such a better way of celebrating New Years than racing over to the “Bal Harbour Shops” 24 hours prior to the big night trying to scout out new “digs” since I can’t seem to settle for anything my wardrobe has to offer!

The phone and texts won’t stop. Are you buying a ticket? What’s your deal? Where are you going to go and what have you decided what to do? Dude, I can’t hold this ticket forever! Previous years I had no question of what to do and would buy two or sometimes even three tickets to parties held either at Raleigh, Setai, Shore Club or Shelburne, or wherever else I was being “convinced” to go. For some reason though, this year I wasn’t too keen on partying in one of those overpriced hotels for hours on end, where you can’t even make it to the bar for a well-needed drink, and the music can barely be heard because, unlike the promoters promised, instead of the table being “front and center,” it is so far back that it’s practically in the restroom! Chartering a yacht with friends would’ve been more satisfactory, maybe a tad more expensive, but a midnight yachting excursion over an over-crowded club isn’t too hard of a choice! My alternative to those “hotel parties” was my Floridian friend, Enrique’s, “house” party on Alton Road, catered with sushi and a professional DJ spinning the tunes. SO appealing as this was, I accepted the invite! After 12AM hit and the bottles of champagne got popped, we all headed down to the beach to see friends, hit the parties, and scope out the “scene!”

I don’t know too many people who have ever met their “mate” or let alone began a relationship by meeting on New Year’s Eve. I do recall, however, lots of “break-ups” and fighting ignited among some couples. Why do couples choose holidays as their prime time to pick a fight? How many of you in relationships have been in situations where, at a family gathering, your significant other decides to start in? Well, it’s the most unpleasant thing that one encounters, next to your aunt’s dry turkey breast or over-cooked brisket that the sharpest knife won’t cut. Being embarrassed by someone is worse than having a random hook up where the girl, or in some cases guy, didn’t “shave.”

I’m mind boggled why so many couples stay in relationships with tension and constant bickering. Why, prior to marriage, do couples feel the need to get “therapy?” Seriously. Aren’t the early stages supposed to be the “honeymoon period?” Therapy before marriage, WHAT? If you really analyze this one, then please WAKE THE FUCK UP and start acknowledging and accepting that he, or she, may just NOT be your “soul mate.” If you are staying with the person just because the make up sex is SO HOT, and steamier than the steam at “LA Sports Club,” this isn’t a good enough reason to stay together. It’s not like you’re 90 years old in a nursing home looking for that widow to come and jerk you off! Should relationships be SO much work that you get the feeling you have a second job? Sometimes other jobs are excuses for not wanting to go home to face the real issues.

Don’t couples know how UNHEALTHY and DRAINING fighting under tension is, and worse, doing it under one roof? Issues that are causing problems more often than not will lead to weight gain from eating a hot fudge banana-split sundae with non-fat ice cream so you can try and justify the calorie…just like make up sex or her giving you great “head” is a means of trying to solve the problem. Well, just like any nutritionist will tell you, calories are calories, and the non-fat ice cream won’t PERMANATLY stop you from gaining weight, just like make up “sex” will not PERMANATLY stop or cease the existing problems. By not confronting the issue and burying it in the cup with all the topping, or worse, under the down comforter and 400 thread count sheets, is not going to help make your relationship better or make the tension evaporate! How come, then, do many couples still stay together prior to marriage, when deep down they truly aren’t happy? Is it the fear of being alone, or anxiety that they’ll never have such great sex, or the dread that they’ll never meet another, possibly better suited, candidate?

I will never forget a few years ago when I was in Nuevo Nails, a salon in Coolidge Corner (Brookline, MA) and ran into a married friend of mine, Allison. At the time, I had been living with my boyfriend, Sebastian, for six months. She asked me how everything was going--you know, the standard “girl talk” while getting mani’s/pedi’s. My ex and I were going through a “rough patch.” Some bumps are repairable, but I told Allison how I didn’t know where our relationship was going and was having serious reservations…but not that ones that Amex Platinum can’t fix! For ten years, Sebastian and I were best friends with “benefits.” But when he moved back to Boston and into my apartment, before we knew it we became your “old married couple” that wasn’t truly happy. Allison understood our “rough patch”; she told me that she had a similar situation with her ex. She said, and I will never forget this, “You are too young to be this miserable and unhappy. Unless you fully close one door, you are preventing the opportunity for a new door to open…if you want that new door.” What I wanted was MY apartment, with me, time ALONE, and SPACE to figure out what it was that I really wanted. Was it Sebastian, or was I holding onto something I knew wasn’t necessarily right for me?

I realized that day that she was right. It was the rude WAKE UP CALL that I needed. I wasn’t scared of being alone or coming home to an empty house--for heavens sake I’m an only child--talking to myself is “normal.” I was more concerned with hurting someone I deeply cared about. I had finally come to the realization that he wasn’t the “one” for me. Breaking up isn’t easy. It’s always easier to end a relationship when you can HATE the person because of something they did, (i.e. cheating, etc.), but this wasn’t the case. Just because you care about someone and may even still “love” them does NOT mean that he or she is the suitable person for you to spend the rest of your life with. Frequent fighting isn’t the way to live your life. Making excuses or “brushing” off the problem for the time-being isn’t like crumbs you can vacuum up. Trying to MAKE that light shine at the end of the tunnel that you know will never shine like you want it to, (like the canary diamond in the window at Cartier), will only make you unhappy. If you truly care about the person, shouldn’t you then be honest enough with yourself and them to end things rather than hitting the point where you’ll end up resenting them? Just because two people aren’t meant “to be” doesn’t mean the world is coming to a crumble. As the Maven, I ask: How many of you currently, or at some point in your life, have been in wrong relationships? Then, WHY don’t you just part, go your separate ways, and seek to find happiness somewhere else? If the shoe gives you blisters, then why don’t you just get a new pair?

Mr. Right OR, Mr. Right Now

2007-03-07T21:30:00.000-05:00

How do you actually know you’re ready for a relationship or… marriage? Oftentimes women, when meeting a man, automatically assume he’s “the one.” What makes a woman assume this? Is it the vibe the man gives off? Is it the attraction/chemistry they both have for each other? Well, let’s just say that it’s not as presumptuous as one may think. While chatting with Elena, my married girlfriend, she tells me that she just finished speaking with her sister who has been dating this guy for almost a year. She’s been contemplating their next move, the ring before the key, or the key to the apartment with no ring.

Prior to being married, many couples decide to move in together, whether or not they’re engaged. It’s been shown that living with a significant other with or without that one, two, or three or more (if you’re lucky) carat flawless stone with rocks on the side is, a “make or break.” Does this mean that once you get the “bling” and after saying “yes,” and walking down the aisle in your long white Vera Wang gown and Manolo satin shoes, and move in together everything will still be magical? Will having a piece of paper witnessed on your wedding day by your best man and maid of honor bring you good luck like the glass broken in a “Jewish” wedding? Or, will that guest that you’ve always had that “connection” with but who wouldn’t “commit” interrupt your vows and to oppose your marriage, fully knowing that deep down you’re marrying the wrong man and you should be with him?

Well, before the ring and marriage even take place, the sister ends up moving in without the “bling.” Ten days goes by, and on a gorgeous sunny Sunday when they should be going to “Tiffany’s,” the boyfriend in the driver’s seat jerks the wheel hard right, hits a detour, and ends up not getting a little blue box with a white ribbon…BUT, instead meanders down to the dog pound picking up a 4 week old yellow lab, their “baby.” Why now do some couples, when first moving in together, feel the need to take the detour and get a pup? Is it a replacement for prolonging the engagement or children? Maybe it is, and maybe the pup is their distraction so they don’t have to acknowledge taking that next step and getting engaged. Well, her sister is very happy and excited to show off the pooch--BUT, is she just really trying to forget that what she really wanted to be showing off was the “rock” she didn’t get? Sometimes people make alterations in their lives to better or worsen them or, to justify what they really want; and, in this case she was substituting the dog for the ring.

In the last ten days, and after all of their new “changes” and reality started settling in, they wonder: Will the excitement and their love for each other still be there? She is so certain that he is “the one,” but will this all change once they are under one roof and they REALLY get to live day to day with each other? Will it become so convenient that they don’t see the WHOLE picture or how their dependence is unhealthy? Well, it’s very easy to become blind-sighted when living under one roof and spending so much time together, that the things you once appreciated start to annoy and frustrate you. It becomes like a Monet for both, where the man sometimes prolongs the engagement and worse, marriage, leaving the woman to start picking fights. Once a woman begins to get “anxious” and her “time line” that she forgot about has resurfaced, the gestures she throws out trying to subtlety give him that push or hint towards their “next step” to that blue box with the white ribbon may or may not always work towards her favor. Then, why after moving in together does it take some men so long to formally commit and make that next step? Are men just buying time until they’re pushed so far that ultimatums start being given? Most of us know that men, and most women, don’t like being “pushed,” and furthermore, NOBODY likes ultimatums. Why is it that certain men take SO long to initially ask out a girl, and even worse, after you’ve dated for a significant period, doesn’t “pop” the question? But, truth be told, when the boat starts getting too rocky will he, or she, stay ashore or sink?

HAPPY HOUR AND EX'S

2007-03-04T19:27:00.000-05:00

So my phone rings....it, was Jay, my “ex”, a prince that once swept me off my feet. But I was so blinded in the relationship that I did not recognize the larceny in his sole; proving that old adage true, “never lend cash or credit cards to boyfriends with the expectation of being paid back. Though even with all the wrong Jay did causing me to back his bags and send him hiking, I still manage to catch occasional glimpses of the knight in shining armor. Yes though, there are still those certain “ex’s” for some unknown reasons that, even with their tarnished coats just don’t disappear. I flipped open my phone and he asked that I meet him at the Four Season’s at 4. “Ok, see you there!”

Before I met him I had a 3pm appointment on 63rd and a 3:30 on 76th n 2nd. I was showing two studio apartments to my friend’s mother. For the first time ever I was having an indecisive moment. The mother asked, “Which apartment did you like better?” I couldn’t decide, both had certain pros and cons similar to men you meet…some are rich but fucked up in the head, some are “poor” and “hot,” some are “hot” and “wealthy”, some are poor and academically smart yet unmotivated, some are motivated computer dorks with Gap Button downs and chino’s, and then some are just full of “space” and left just as “empty” as the waiter forgetting to pour more Pellegrino into your glass. But the worst men or women are the ones that are so full of themselves with undeserved pomposity.

Caroline and I strolled down 2nd Ave. We were going to take a cab, but I was thinking, no gym today and craving the glass of wine which I knew I would end up choosing over the virgin “cappuccino” at the 4 Seasons. As Caroline and I walked, I could not stop visioning the Noir; needless to say I was “power walking!” When I arrived at the “Season” Darrel was standing under the heated lamps ready to greet! I waited while the valet took Jay’s “body guard” Tony’s SUV.

After 2 rounds of Cosmo’s for the boys and Pinot Noir’s for me, we contemplated on where to hit next. A part of me wanted SO bad wanted to go home back to “Pasha,” grab a salad and turkey Burger from Equinox, sit on my sofa and watch “GH” (General Hospital for all you questioning; and YES I still love watching the saga along with Nicholas and Emily!) However, my other half was in dire need of a good dose of happy hour, which resulted in me “sticking” with the boys!”

Anyone knows when living in NYC, or visiting anytime you begin at the “Four Seasons” for a $19.00 vino and a $20.00 Martini and will usually end up “hoping” over to Tao for a bargain $12.00 “shot!” Every time I tell my mom I go to the Four Seasons she gets HORRIFIED to think I’d actually spend $19 on a cocktail but, this time it wasn’t me paying the “bill.” Being that she’s not a real “drinker” she can’t comprehend the price or how it’s a “social” thing. Now, what was initially supposed to be one end of the day “drink,” and then a long overdue visit from Michael, the massage therapist at 9pm ends up with a postponing text to Michael and, an unforeseen morning of waking up to empty bottles of Figi along with a bottle of Advil to help ease my eye ball of a headache!

We arrived at Tao just in time for the “early bird” special and managed to score 3 center seats at the bar. The wasabi peas were so tempting, but the diet was going too well that I didn’t even dare! Since Jay had a 6:30pm appointment downtown he decided to leave me in “safe hands” with his “body guard”, Tony. A, 6’4” Italian, bald with a go tee and, John Hardy chain hanging outside his V neck “Banana Republic” cashmere sweater. I was finishing sipping the last of my “noir” and my eagle eyes spot this 6 ft, well dressed handsome blue eyed guy, alone, looking thru his blackberry and checking his watch. I assumed he was waiting for clients or friends. Tony ran off to the SUV to charge his phone and left me single, with a new full glass of wine and 2 stools!

Happy hour’s sometimes will end up being a LONG night. For some reason once you “suck” down a few you have a hard time turning the bar tender off. Well this was the case. Alone the handsome guy orders a “martini”. I offer him Tony’s stool fully knowing Tony wouldn’t object. The guy sits down and, Tony comes back. The 3 of us end up “shooting the shit” and getting acquainted with our new “fine-looking” friend.

Tony stays for a little while longer until his phone rang and it was his wife, “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW LATE IT IS?” Men, is it really that hard to “check in” with the spouse as in this case, or a girlfriend? I mean isn’t it merely about “doing the right thing?” But right now I wasn’t focusing on Tony or his wife. All I was interested in was chatting with Avi!

Now, men I’m sure all of you at one time or another have picked up a woman in a bar/lounge/club. And, women I’m certain the majority of you have managed to eye that “stallion” and what starts off as innocent bat of your lashes ends up as “trouble and entertainment” when you attempt to “part” in separate cabs since one of you is heading uptown and the other down. However, after a long evening of running around the city to Morgan bar, Stk and Marquee, Avi says “come back and let’s hang out for a little while longer.” Now we all know what a “little while longer” means, either; you hook up a little, or a lot, (either just kisses or hitting home run): you, go home immediately after; OR, you end up in one of his “t-shirts” doing the “walk of shame” out of his building, in your clothes from the night before and, quickly fetch a taxi home in the AM! Either way you are NOT taking the subway!

Regardless of the decision you make, to go back and hang or go home. If you do either your mind starts wondering, Will I ever go out or speak/see him again? I like this guy, he told me he liked me too, are these men just saying that to get you to have “sex” with them? Probably! But, what will he think if you end up going back, will he think of me as a slut? Obviously the chemistry for want is mutual so why not go back? WHY not is CORRECT! BUT, it’s apparent you liked each other, are both single with common interests THEN, WHY not take her out again? You liked her enough to “hang out” and spend the whole evening together leaving all of your friends, that it seems quite evident that you both “connected.” SO Miss Maven wonders, WHY not just pick up the phone, and stop playing the game and, ASK HER OUT AGAIN?

Courting a Woman

2007-03-02T19:59:00.000-05:00

Why is it that men in today’s society do not play the “role” of the man? What do women want from men? How does a woman want a man to “pursue” her? All of these questions are highlighted current topics of discussion among society today.

Getting a man to ask a woman out the “appropriate” way can be quite the “challenge.” Men get hungry, they know they’re craving a “FILET” and have no problem choosing where to eat it, Wolfgang’s or Strip House? On the contrary it’s quite a shame they are not as able to be decisive when asking a girl out and, picking the place to meet. It’s a sad commentary, but more often then not, the man will leave it up to the woman to pick the place, therefore “making” the date!

Seriously MEN, Is this the way you should be asking a woman out? Let me explain this concept to you, WOMEN LOVE when you, the MAN, take charge and make all the date “arrangements.” THIS is very attractive to a woman! It’s not like we woman are demanding the man HAS to date her exclusively, or that he MUST take her out for a $300 dinner to Le Cirque with a bottle of “Cristal!” All we are really expecting is just a little common courtesy when planning the date with a girl; you’d think it would be as easy as remembering to go to CVS and buy your mom a card for mother’s day!

It’s a snowy Saturday night and you decide to stay in and spend your night trying to meet a QUALITY “prince” online. You log on and see the blinking icon saying you have got a “MESSAGE.” You “double click” to open your in box, and look to check Sandy out! From reading the small descriptions that are given you are able to see the majority of the profiles pretty much describe whether the girl or guy is more likely to “shop” at Saks or, H & M!

After reading his renderings you decide if he’s someone you’d like to meet. You hit REPLY and email the lad back! The emails go back and forth as you both share your interests on things you like to do; clubs vs. lounges, drinks vs. café; prefer tuna tar tar vs. escargot or Sushi Samba vs. Nobu. Optimistically Ms. Maven is hoping you both also touch upon a small amount of “substance” aside from the “B/S” to “IM” about! Undoubtedly I would be bewildered if you didn’t figure out within minutes if they are more prone to eat at McDonald’s or P.J Clarks! However, why must there be so many back and forth emails and WORSE, IM’S? Why doesn’t he just invite you to join him for a café or cocktail so you both can meet face to face? This would eliminate the numbers of emails and IM’s and leave for a little mystery and excitement for the “date!” It’s really not a difficult task MEN to make a date with a female. STILL though for whatever reason it has become a MAJOR problem and, out of the many online dating singles I asked most said, they usually talk significantly to the guy long before he initiates a “get together!” WHY IS THIS? He presumably can drink a Goose on the rocks quicker then he can ask a girl out on a date! If truth be told men, you MUST start to “STEP IT UP A NOTCH” and not a SCOTCH!

Lastly a date is made but then comes the big decision of where to meet up. Since you’ve had various conversations the girl has made it very clear, and yes men, PAY attention, WOMEN SAY THINGS FOR A REASON, THEY HINT and give out “clues”…..NEVERLESS, this time you were WELL informed SEVERAL TIMES that she is coming from the Upper East or West sides of the city and, nonetheless you STILL pick a place DOWNTOWN; which is closer and more convenient for you. WHAT?? MAJOR RED FLAG MEN and I’m not talking about the Flag hanging on Fifth Ave in front of The Pierre Hotel!

RED FLAG ALERT! Please men you must STOP and bring acting this way to a hault. Women HATE these traits with a passion! Perhaps you should try viewing yourself as a father or brother (or worse put yourself in the girl’s shoes); would you want your DAUGHTER or SISTER treated like this and asked out like this from a guy? I mean dating isn’t like planning to go bar crawling/clubbing with your “boyz!” It’s about making the effort and illustrate to the girl you’re really thinking about meeting her and attempt to show your effort by being the strong, take charge powerful man that makes decisions showing the woman you are in control! Men here’s a little tip, women like nothing more then looking forward to meeting you. They want to be able to smile, pick out a charming outfit, sit pretty and hope they are going to have a nice evening, EVEN IF no “hook up” occurs or you never end up going out or seeing each other again. HOWEVER you never know and a shocking surprise would be if you started dating and end up getting “hitched!”

See, dating provides you with many experiences of interacting with all different types of people. Hopefully by dating all types of men or women it helps to clear your vision and allows you to REALLY determine what traits and qualities that you look for, are attracted to and, admire in a partner. Dating before marriage is a true learning experience. It’s like trying different restaurants, some you’d go back to and some you wouldn’t. But remember, the first time is the “audition”, if you go back a second time it may very well not be what you had expected or thought you liked when you “auditioned.” Fortunately two wasted nights out along with a few spent bucks is better than 17 long wasted and MISERABLE years as husband and wife!

Thus, my Maven advice to all of you SINGLE MEN OUT THERE, start to do the right thing no matter what age you are. INDULDGE THE GIRL whether she is someone you meet just once, someone who you become good friends with, someone you start to “hang out & hook up” with, or someone you start to date and see where it goes. Any man or woman dating should always be welcoming, considerate, and polite. You never know where in the world this person may “resurface” or what bridges you both will cross or, if you become friends, WHERE YOUR FRIENDSHIP or “friends with benefits” will lead to down the road. You should always end a date on a positive note whether or not a mutual or sexual connection was felt. This leaves the person feeling a positive vibe about you. If an optimistic feeling is left, the opportunity for the door always to remain open is better then closed and leaving a bad taste in your memory and mouth! SO, men and women, thinking back on ALL the dates you’ve gone on. How many of you walked away saying, “this is someone who I’d like to remain friends with? And nobody can ever fully know what may surface with your date in the days, months, or years ahead.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

2007-02-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

It was the night before Thanksgiving back in Boston. You are getting all “dolled up” for a night out, a few “pops” and are excited to go out see and catch up with old and new friends. Being back for break means living with your mother and “step father” under one roof, one can do quite an amount of late night “tip toeing” around! Thank heavens the bedrooms are on opposite sides of the house!

The horn honks, “Mom, I’m leaving make sure you take Emis and Pasha out so they don’t pee or shit in the house!” “Okay, have fun and make sure you have your keys!” (However mom was safe not to ask, “Do you have money?” WHY, because if mom asked, any smart kid or hustler would lie say “NO” hoping to score a few extra funds for the night!) I hoped into Courtney’s ML 500. We decided to make a “pit stop” prior to heading downtown. Courtney and I took one look at each other and said “Met Bar”?
Now ladies all of us know being back home during Thanksgiving week and single could leave for quite the, adventure, fun and excitement!

It was 9pm and the night was just about to get started. We assumed Met bar was packed; the parking lot was jammed! The valet took the car. I just love the “suburbs,” complementary valet is a delightful treat! It must be our lucky night; Courtney and I walked in and scored two seats right at the bar. Before we could take our jackets off we recognized several familiar faces, oh know we both thought, are we in for a night! Get the bartender’s attention before we begun to start “mingling” we craved for our cocktails!

A few rounds of drinks later we decide to head to Mantra. Of course it’s always nice walking in and having Andrew and Cameron greeting us at the door! The music is cranked; it’s so good that I almost forgot I was in Boston! Thank g-d for our boys we were meeting there, we were so taken care of! It’s like having surrogate brothers; they had the best table in the house, in front on the dance floor. I got a cocktail and began doing a room “scan!” My eyes spot Courtney checking out an old and very handsome platonic friend, Alan.

Alan and Courtney have been friends for years. He went to public high school, she private. They were those two people that everyone knew always were “hot” for each other and had the, “oh I want to fuck you look” written on both there faces. But, the trigger had never been pulled. Periodically they’d see each other from time to time in, New York, Boston, and Palm Beach but no shot had been fired!

I quickly saw her zone in and focus on Alan; she was blushing from “cheek to cheek” with that innocent devilish smile! I rolled my eyes; my dirty mind starts to wonder, “Oh boy, this could be her “lucky” night, the shot she always wanted! It was beginning to get more “hot and steamy” in Mantra. Alan had spotted Courtney too and began to sway towards her. Neither of them was aware my “eagle eyes” were watching their every move! They “pecked” on the “lipchee”; I knew they really wanted the full lip, but coincidentally each kissed part of the cheek!

Mantra was packed, 1:45am hit. Knowing I had to be up at 8am and cook for my family of 15 I was getting ready to end the night. My Mom was forbidden to touch anything that required cooking except for the peas so that left all the cooking for me! The wine had settled in and my bed was calling.

I approached Courtney who was still “catching up” with Alan. “Hey, I’m going to the bathroom and then I want to leave.” Wait, “I have to go to the bathroom too, Alan please wait here I’ll be right back.” Now, I knew Alan was single; I got the “411” on him from my “brotherly boy’s.” MEN, do NOT be fooled we women can read your dirty minds more then you know! I knew Alan would be thinking either one of two scenario’s, he’s finally going to “hook up” with Courtney or his starvation will lead him to swinging by “News’s” for some late night steak tips! Either was a “win win!”

Down in the bathroom did we ladies talk! If Alan was open to “after hours” with Courtney which WE all knew was the case then, I would drive her car home, leave it in my driveway, and she could pick it up at her “leisure.” As we walked up the stairs from the bathroom Courtney caught Alan’s eye. “Let me go speak to him and see what his plans are for after hours and I’ll meet you at the Valet, Ok?” Well, his plan for after hours was in fact to hang out with Courtney. So our car plan went into effect!

My phone rings, its 6am. I purposely left the ringer on knowing she’d be calling. “I’m in your driveway, come down.” I through my Ugg’s and North Face on; I was ready to kill her for waking me up. BUT, of course hearing the details was SO out weighing the killing! BEFORE she could even spill the beans, it was WRITTEN all over her face! She blurbs out, “THE SEX WAS GREAT, BUT BOY DOES THE BOY NEED TO TRIM!” MEN please, if you are hairy TRIM up and try and do it the day before the cleaning lady comes! Just like most of you men hate hairy women WELL let the Maven clue you boys in, MOST women HATE “monkey men!”

Courtney explained what I already knew. The sex was amazing; there was such passion, heat, and warmth. Was it so satisfying because they’ve been friends and wanted each other for years? Is it because they knew one day would eventually happen? Or, how many of you out there have recently made “new friends” ones who are not so old that you really are attracted to both mentally and physically, have the “chemistry” with, become friends, hook up, and end up having “sex” with? What does this all mean? Is this considered a “friend with benefits?” Will it ever happen again?

Well, in Courtney and Alan’s case yes, it happened two more times, once in New York and another in, Palm Beach. They still remain friends today. Alan is married and Courtney is in a serious relationship. Courtney really had the “high school crush” for Alan and would have loved trying to be in a relationship. She always wondered and asked herself why he never “pursued” her or wanted to try a relationship with her, was it timing? Was it the long distance? After all she was in Miami and him, Atlanta. What was it?

Since so many people at one time or another have experienced something similar, I asked some girls in similar situations about their experiences. Most of the women told me that deep down they had feelings beyond friendships for the guys but the men never tried for anything more serious. Men, do you not know when a woman likes you more then a friend with benefits? Why do most men not pursue a friend with “benefits” as relationship material? After all, the sex is good, both of you obviously like and are attracted to each other as friends and more. SO the Maven wants to know, WHY don’t you men go after the girl? Why not try to date a “friend with benefits” and see what happens? Why does it supposedly stop with just “benefits” and nothing more?

NICE GUYS STILL CHEAT?

2007-02-23T21:53:00.000-05:00

Do nice guys "cheat?" Why do men and women cheat? Is it like the saying because, “the grass is always greener on the other side?” My phone rings, YES (the phone actually not a door opening and closing with a yellow guy running) Its Nicolas, my nice brotherly guy friend that I never hooked up with, late 30s, from Florida, single and dating, self made, and always charming and nice to the ladies!

Ladies love nice guys, like the guys who always make sure they’ve gotten their “digits” before ending the conversation if, you initially met “online” or, if you were at a bar/event/party and were introduced. In today’s world, just like men, women are President’s and CEO’s of companies and is working in the corporate faced paced industry. Even though women make important daily decisions in the work place, THIS does not mean they want to start deciding, Sushi Samba vs. Bond St in the relationship!

Since we all come from different streams in life, and living in NYC streams maybe referred to as “streets” a man should be considerate of a woman when choosing a spot for the first date. I mean seriously guys, if you are coming from Wall St and her from the Upper East Side, are you truly going to make her subway it to you or worse at 6pm, “taxi” it? Your answer hopefully is “NO, I would never think to make a women “schlep” to me on a first date!” But, (circumstances come up and one may have to be back at the office after dinner and if that is the case, DO NOT schedule a date on one of those nights!) Well it wasn’t one of those back to the office nights, so MEN ZONE IN and if you plan to ask a girl out for a drink/date, pick a place in the middle, be CONSIDERATE and COMPROMISING! And so what if it’s not the latest trendy spot, it’s not about the place, it’s about meeting the girl!

You end up at the W in Union Sq. Good spot! If the date goes well you can be a real gentleman and ask her if she’d like to grab a bite…the Tuna Tar Tar app is REALLY good there! Of course this is only if you are enjoying yourself and hanging out with her even if “heat” isn't cranking and you're not "aroused!"

Getting to the point of "arousal" is amazing and quite exciting although, the question still remains how long does that feeling last? I mean anyone who has been in a serious relationship for more then 3 month’s and can keep “the honeymoon” and “spice” alive is on a pretty good drive and not the drive at Chelsea Piers!

But what happens when that drive starts to hit bumps? You really care about each other but more and more bumps keep getting hit and, you can’t stay focused and in your lane. DETOUR a night out with the boyz is required. Men, going out while in a relationship with bumps in the road can be either a WAKE UP CALL or DEADLY!

Its Midnight on a Thursday night, quick bite at Yama then taxied down to the meatpacking district! Few drinks in the boys, sake with sushi, asking Mr. Cabby to turn up the tunes, the boys start to get there “groove” on and start to get "chatty.” Now, if any girl believes guys do not talk to other guys about there relationship or women “issues”, then ladies WRONG you are. MEN TALK. MEN TALK TO EACH OTHER. MEN CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER. MEN TALK TO OTHER GIRL FRIENDS AND, MEN CHEAT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER too.

Nicolas and his friend end up having a “hot” night out. They end up running into a few “girl FRIENDS” and invited them to come to Pink Elephant. Now gent’s all us ladies know that it’s much easier for you to get into Pink with the ladies and MEN, it's always better to go out as a duo then trio or quarto unless, mixed with the opposite sex like this case!)

A table had been got along with 3 bottles at $400 a pop. The music couldn’t be better, more friends joined and you and the girls are having a let “loose/goose” night! Brining sexy back comes on, you grab Nicole from dancing on the chair and you move towards the dance floor. It’s getting hot in here comes on next, you 2 are SO into the dance/song/vodka and "each other" that you forget all your “relationship shit” and lean into her and kiss. ALARM goes off! Your heart starts racing but your mouths stay attached, you finish the long, hard, passionate kiss, liked you hadn’t kissed that way in the last 3 months knowing deep down the relationship you’re in isn’t right “long term” and is about to crash and burn when you don't call to say you're home at 4am or worse just send a "text", because you end up doing more harm by going home with the girl! Putting all these “actions” into “motion,” "sets the stage" for an easy break-up! However, all said and done, STILL, IS this kiss considered cheating???????????????? A kiss with another girl while dating 1 girl for 4 months, IS THIS CONSIDERED CHEATING, the Maven asks all you MEN and WOMEN.

While discussing this topic with my step sister and friend, my step sister said, “If you don’t think you are going to marry the guy then, it was just a kiss, then NO it’s not cheating.” Well readers I want to know how many of you think this is considered cheating and, my Maven advice to all is, if there is no deep connection felt with a girl and you do NOT want to treat this girl amazing and you are kissing other girls at “Pink Elephant” then you should think REAL hard about not being selfish and cutting your losses before hurting the girl by cheating or worse, lying and getting caught in the end! Better to come out as the “nice guy” then as a complete piece of smelly trash.

Raging Hormones!

2007-02-21T19:08:00.000-05:00

Everyone has hormones...girls have lots of them. And, anyone with said hormones knows that hooking up with a guy, whether it’s a one-night-thing (you may meet him out and end up going home together), or a friend-with-benefits (that may or may not carry the possibility of leading to something more), is USUALLY fun and “hormone satisfying.” BUT sadly, there are those times when the “hook up” can lead to women becoming disappointed and annoyed (often within a 6 hour time frame from doing the deed).

For instance take one recent Saturday night out in the city. Amy and I got all dolled up in our sexy tops, Hudson jeans, and Manolos, which will probably need a trip to the shoe man on Lexington for “clean up.” The taxi dropped us off at 15th and 9th and we were ready to go party and dance, get giddy, flirt, and have some innocent old fashioned fun. Long story short, our “old fashioned” girl duo ended up with extra number and gender to our “duo”, and losing its "innocence" by the end of the night.

At the party my eagle eyes spotted a hot, sexy man at the end of the bar. I thought, WOW I’d sure like to meet him somehow...and so I did. Yes, girls, you SHOULD just approach him, just do it; what’s the worst thing that could happen you get rejected and instead of grabbing him you grab another shot! But luckily, you and he hit it off, and he even had a friend for your friend! How convenient!

Our newly formed foursome ended in hopping around from 10 Jun to Marquee and down 27th Street, having an evening full of surprises! Then fancy to my fortune, I ended up home with the guy. Boy, this boy had hormones too...hormones? Meet mine.

Here's the thing see, most girls/people/everyone won't say after all is said and done, it's 50/50 hooking up which means you end up having sex with the guy. WHAT?! SEX?! on the first not-even-date but meeting? I blame the hormones. As long as discretion and protection attend the dirty drunk parties then let’s just admit it's the truth. Now from a guy’s point of view, how do you men classify girls that have “drunken” sex with you? Passionate? Whores? A fun chick? We girls would like to have some insight please!

Now we all know the guy isn't thinking about anything but, we women NEVER stop thinking or analyzing, no matter how much we have poured on our brains: Is the guy just looking for a lay? Should I roll with it, as we roll this inhibition of defeating the joint? He sure is cute and sexy...after we hook up, will he ever call me again? Will I hook up with him again? How many days will pass before I’ll hear from him again if in fact I ever do ever speak to him again? AND so on. Men why is it you hook up with girls and then don’t reach back out? Please any insight would be much appreciated! Guys its time to share your thoughts and experiences!

FACT: Guys think with their dicks and not what’s sitting on their heads. They love to play, they love the caressing, and the kissing, and the feeling of warmth that a woman gives them, and then the “cumming.” Women also love the feeling of a man cradling them, spooning them throughout the night, falling asleep and waking up at 4am to get some more “action.” It's all wonderful excitement when it’s going on, but often these feelings are temporary and fleeting and not “reality.” Sometimes, a hook up or fun nights are JUST that-ONE night. We women rationalize our impulsive actions by thinking this person might be “The One”. We think WOW; he just might be the prince I’ve been searching for. Well GIRLS, dreaming doesn't make it true, HE ISN’T.

You leave his apartment in the AM do the “walk of shame” out, past the doorman and into the streets of New York to hale a taxi. You phone doesn’t ring, no text is heard and he ends up never contacting you again which, leaves you in despair. You decide you can’t control yourself anymore, and you flip your cell open so you can shoot him an innocent “text or email.” HOWEVER, NEVER “directly” call him. Shooting him a “text/email” is harmless. We hear from men, time and time again how they think and perceive us at Nuts, Crazy and Stalkers, so my Maven advice would be to not call and wait a few weeks for him to contact you. If then after a few weeks go by and you are still thinking about him then maybe you can “text or email” him and see the response you get. If he is polite and leaves the door “open” he should respond, if he is a dick, no response will be and you long term don’t want to end up with someone like that anyhow!

FACT II: BUT, We all know and if a guy truly likes a girl or was ready for a “relationship” he will contact her sooner rather then “later.”

However what did that night mean? What really happened? Was it the wine/vodka/shots that just over powered our minds and let it get the best of both of us? Will we both wake up grabbing the Fiji and Advil to cure the massive hangover and try to relieve that feeling of “what did I do?” Why didn’t I just go home, make a quick pit stop by Pizza 33, put on sweats, play with Pasha and fall asleep? Well I’m sure more of us have been in this type of situation before and will again until we find our prince that won’t let us leave the next morning without asking us out again or even better we end up spending the day together starting with a brush of the teeth, shower, and change of clothes. Then the prince picks you up and you go to brunch at Sarabeth’s! That's a day fit for a prince (and princess) if you ask me!

CHANGING A MAN

2007-02-11T03:20:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to change a man? Well, if you haven’t then you might be the first. I often wish I could combine every ex-boyfriend in a mixing bowl, taking a little of this and a little of that from each. I'd then pour my "man mixture" into a perfect guy mold.

What I'm trying to say is, I've wished I could change a man more than once and it has never cooked up quite right.

When I first meet a guy, I can't help but assess his looks and personality. In some cases I might feel some “sex appeal.” BUT, if he isn't quite doing it for me, I wonder what he’d be like if only he was just a bit more outgoing or personable or had some slick moves... and I might wish he dressed more GQ or Zenga and less Kenneth Cole. Then there are those traits that shift my initial impression from 350 degrees to cooling, like consideration and generosity. And let's not leave out manners, especially table manners. If he pushes food onto his fork with his fingers or sucks it off them my impression will definitely change. He'll go from Cordon Bleu to jello mold, eeeeeeuuuw.

If you start out from the very first wanting to change the guy, then I truly believe you will never be fully satisfied with what (or who) you have found. There is that old saying, “people can grow on you.” But so can mold grow on some spoiled food. The only time someone grows on you is when you’ve had an existing friendship with a person and somehow the burner ignites. Your friendship turns into a romantic liaison and your eyes begin to “pop open.” Generally though, attraction from the get go is a major important PLUS! There is no more euphoric feeling than looking at a man with dreamy eyes and imagining what it’s like to make out with him.

I truly believe you will never be fully satisfied with what you have found if you are trying to change a guy. He may not be “gorgeous,” or the most “well dressed,” but if he treats you well and is respectful and has a great personality and good manners he may be worth a shot! HOWEVER...

Do not be fooled: Manners, personality, and generosity are NOT changeable traits. It’s like chicken soup; you can't make it without chicken stock! It’s the LITTLE things that can be changed- clothes, hair style, weight... the major ingredients if they're bad can't be fixed. My Maven advice to all is, if in the beginning of your dating cycle there are MAJOR flaws about the guy that bother you, I suggest you MOVE ON to the next possible prospect. Maybe the next one will be the most perfect, yummy dish you've ever had.

NO CALL BACK

2007-02-08T19:54:00.000-05:00

You go out with, what appears to you, a great date and guy. The date lasts for longer than coffee or your typical drink and the two of you seem to be hitting it off and end up having dinner and hitting “10Jun.” The guy expresses to you, "I had a great time. I'll call you this week and we'll get together.” Perhaps he'll call then again AND MAYBE HE WON'T. The Call Back can be played out in several ways:
Scenario A: He calls, you make plans and he cancels and never reschedules. This is the tentative guy who is indecisive about whether he likes you, or not. As your mind starts to wonder about why he canceled, the truth could be because he’s already involved with someone else and doesn't want to complicate this by going out with you a second time. But, enough with the excuses we’ve all had plenty of those...if he really liked you and was “into you”, there would be that second date and you would hear back and see him again.

Scenario B: There is No Call Back, period. Apparently your feelings about your date were different then his. Let’s pretend you both go for ice cream, you like sugar free and plain and all he wants was the sugar, carbs, toppings and everything he could get his mouth and hands into! Move on and don't second guess. Unless however it benefits you or if a good hook up is needed or some fun, no strings intended, crazy wild night! But really this guy obviously is a waste of time and energy and digits should be erased from your PDA, CELLS, or OUTLOOK!

Now girls, if Scenario A or B is recurrently happening to you, make a list of why you thought your date was good; a he said, she said, pro and con; and compare any recurring patterns of behavior that emerge that will give you hindsight as to why no "second chances.”

And, Scenario C: They call weeks later, or shoot a text message at 3 a.m. the “booty text” to say "what up". This is usually the immature, had too many drinks party asshole who just wants to get laid! Maybe he calls the next morning when he sobers up to apologize so you don’t think he’s a complete ass and asks to make another plan, which he inevitably will never keep. Forget this piece of trash; he’s just not worth thinking about or wasting your valuable time and red bull energy!

Most women, at one point or another, have gone out with a guy that they’ve met on an online site, had a fun time with, and never hear back from the date again. This is like a hot trendy restaurant, you try it out, small portions, over priced and WAY overrated. Now you’ve hit it, time to “self examine!” Maybe you didn't hook up with the guy, maybe you did. Many guys out there who are single and dating are simply looking to score; well then, they should just go to “scores.” Certain men don't want or feel they have to make the effort to pursue a woman for a multitude of reasons which I’ll get into at another time. But, analyze your behavior patterns from these types of dates. What was it about you that turned the guy off rather than drew him back for more? What signals did you give, consciously or subliminally? And it may not have been you at all he just could be that complete selfish, conceited, typical player of a man which you definitely do NOT want to end up with.

If a man truly enjoys a woman and wants to make the time and effort in getting to “know her” then he will give her a second chance. Women have to be like “onions;” mysterious and let the guys peel away the layers. Don't initially spill over at the mouth and tell all even though we know most women can’t “bite it.” Men who surf the dating sites are usually pretty busy and, according to their profiles, (which is another whole topic for discussion another time) are just trying to meet that "special someone.” However, as we all are aware, there are still those horny assholes just looking to feed their horniness! I prefer feeding my horniness with a nice slice at 3am and waiting for the Toad instead of the average “frog.” But, woman should not treat every "good time" date as Mr. Right and start planning the “wedding”. Typically a man can sense this anxiety, even when nothing is said. So, ladies my suggestion to you is, instead of thinking was it me? And, not truly believing that it was, start to think maybe it was “you.” If you liked the guy, perhaps something you said or did turned him off. Make that Behavior List and be honest and true with yourself. Sometimes the answers lie within and are found by being introspective. Think about how you can modify some of your behavior and mannerisms to entice the next guy. Be honest, real, and smart about you and your dating success should follow.

Critical Mothers

2007-02-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

My special and endearing Mother (I do LOVE her & she is my best friend) but Mom tends to voice her opinions about everything, from this is wrong to that should be changed, to I don’t like you in that color to why can’t you find a man? You go out with all these guys, aren’t any of them NICE? To, Why didn’t you like him, he seemed very “nice.” You spoke enough on the phone for the past several weeks. Oh, and that brings me to just because you speak with a guy on the phone and computer for weeks and “click” with him does NOT mean you will want a 2nd date OR to rip off his clothes and get wild with him in the sack!

My mother for years told me I’m “critical” and that I’m just like my grandmother. WELL it’s a wonder where I learned it from. Now I realize my mother is WORSE then me, (even though I love her and take what she says’s with a grain of salt!) this is what made me be such a picky little Maven about everything. I only want to look the best, be the best, write the best, find the best man and, WOW now I come to the realization that it’s all stemming from my grandmother to mother to now ME. Oh dear, what did they create?

Why are they so critical? Why do they think every guy I meet that I say is “nice” is the “one” and they want to marry me off, forget even marry off, they say if he was "nice", then why not go on a 2nd date and get to know him? Anyone can be “nice” but that does NOT mean you want to entertain that 2nd date let alone think about even walking down the aisle with this guy.

Nice is so generic. My shoes are “nice”, that was a “nice” restaurant, and I had a “nice” date last night. I want more then just the average “nice” from a man. Do you know I’ve never heard my mother say WOW now that was a very “special guy, you’re glowing; you must have had a VERY nice time, something is different about you this time.” Well that feeling hasn’t happened to me yet, so I still stand in my pretty shoes waiting to meet that “special guy.”

IF I NEVER WAS AN INTERNET DATER.....

2007-02-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

So it's a Sunday in Boston, I'm hung over from attending a Jewish charity event in Southie the evening before. Pasha(the dating princess bichon frise) and I are vegetating upstairs in bed, and trying to not eat the bagels, lox, and cream cheese Channel brought.

Mom and Emis (her son she never had and prince bichon frise)come upstairs to "hang out." The phone rings, it was a number I recognized from Bear Sterns. I pick up the phone and said "hello?, he replied, "Is Laura there?" I said, "this is she", I could tell it was a man, he sounded a little on the wise ass side, but then again, more times then not I tend to like a cocky(confident) guy. Who shouldn't? All that it shows is that the man takes charge and shows strength. Well he said, "Richard gave me your name and number because I'm in need for an apartment and you're "hot shot" broker with Corcoran." I said, "oh he did, did he?" "Ah, he didn't tell me you'd be calling, but sure,I'd love to help you find a place"! We went through the list I tend to ask any potential clients their, budget, salary, employment, location they are looking for, and all there contact info."

Dylan, he said. He gave me his phone number, work email and then proceeded to also making sure I had his personal email, an AOL email, my mouth opens up wide, I whack my mother's arm, and blurb out to him, "OMG we've spoken before, I have you on my AIM, we met on an online site!"

He replies, "Really, that is right, well I need a place, can you help?" He was HOT, I saw from his picture, "I said, SURE, you're in very good hands." He went onto call me his "full service real estate broker."

My mother was dying from this conversation, she couldn't believe it, the six degrees of separation yet again appears. Wow, I cannot believe we had spoken before this was insane. He suggested we meet at his place so I could get an idea of what he was looking for and the space he needed. I thought to myself, hot guy, apartment, buyer, customer, friend, connection, hook up, whatever I set up the appointment! This just is another example that you'll never know where it is your paws will land and go! Pasha by the way likes to steer hers towards Bloomies she thinks she'll attract a cutie in the men's department!

ONLINE CAN NOT ONLY BE TO MEET SINGLES BUT FOR HELP TOO!

2007-02-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

So last night yet again I found myself surfing around online for singles, this is after my "couple" friends, Dean and Mandy stopped before going on their big night out for a few Bellini's. They'd asked me to join but I it was too cold out and the thought of motivating off the sofa and bundling up Vs. sitting on my sofa and hanging with Pasha wasn't even a debate!

As I started to "surf" away, I stumbled upon this profile. His screen name was Yonaton, figured he was Israeli with a name like that. Usually I tend to stick with Americans just because I think relationships are hard enough. See my fellow singles when you throw different cultures into the stew things tend to become more complicated, how are you raising the kids, parent involvement gets heightened, you'll hear your future "inlaws" say, "I don't want to hear about that kid being baptised or baby named or having bris." Oh dear, how do couples survive this "religon pressure?" All these issues eventually will cause tension in your relationship, trust me on this, I've heard it all from everyone in a "mixed religon" relationship. And I've been there myself, my past experience/relationship of dating a "South American." Great guy and yes, still friends but not a couple anymore!

But this Yonaton looked cute, so I figured what the heck. I went on to read his profile, dark, Israeli, moved to NY a year ago, and he was in the technology/computer industry.

WOW, this young lad is a computer "Wiz." I thought if anything this is just what I could use, someone who I didn't need to meet for coffee or a drink, but he would be able to help me in getting my Dating Diva website up and running. I immediately emailed him and within seconds he replied, "Diva? I'd be happy to assist you." I was like can you PLEASE meet me tomorrow, he agreed and came at noon. PHEW! One step closer to the cyber world of having my own site. WOW it's been years I've wanted to do this and finally still single, independent and free for a Sunday afternoon all this computer work was ready and waiting for me, it could be a nice Sunday break from surfing around the single online sites.

AN ARCTIC SATURDAY IN NYC

2007-02-03T18:32:00.000-05:00

So I woke up early this morning after my long and very hectic week of filming. Was scheduled to see Lisa for a mani! After a mani, cabbed it to the West side for back to back appointments on the 1 bed coop between WEA and RSD.

All the appointments went surprisingly well, a shocker that was! All the customers were punctual, and actually showed interest my Southern facing 1 bedroom, sadly still no offers.

Enthusiastic about my piece on Online Dating live on the set airing in 2 weeks proudly mention it to everyone I encounter including from my whole office to all my clients from today a total of 8 more viewers will be watching and gaining advice from online dating.

Linda, a broker with Halstead, was sitting in the lobby waiting to show her clients the apartment. But upon introductions I managed to wedge it in about my debut. It was obvious that Linda could not ask me enough questions as she had been online dating herself and hence yet we find her still single. My advice to her was, stick with it and do NOT trust the photos they do not TELL the truth 99% all of the time! If you click with the person either via email, texting, anything where actual holding a phone and speaking doesn't happen, then meet for the date!

Photos, profiles, age, everything that goes into the stew of posting on an online dating site does not often speak with is the actual case when face to face. Personalities can be fabricated, guys who think they're "normal" are often loud, annoying, and like a pretty pair of shoes that looked better on the rack then on!

It was soon approaching my last appointment, a single, 41 year old Jewish girl, from New York, never married and was scared to post a profile because she was a principal. I told her not to be ridiculous or foolish. What if she was a divorced mother would that hold her back, a kid is a kid whether he/she has your DNA or not. She smiled and I saw her more relaxed and now open to posting a profile of herself online. As we kept walking she was going to her mom and I was headed like a wrapped up snow bunny to the Time Warner to meet yet another "prospect."

I was so frigid that I had to hale a taxi, oh don't you love it when you are really pumped about seeing a taxi with it's yellow light on. Approaching the Time Warner we were meeting in front of Pink, oh what a great store! He was there, yes, tall, yes green eyes, yes he told me he was on the heavier side, but more then the seasonal 10-20 pounds, I said, "hey Jordan" he turned and at first I was like oh boy another one bits the dust, and thought this will be a short lived date.

Jordan did not make himself out to be something he wasn't, except for the fact his 2 pics didn't really look too much like him. We strolled around the Warner, got verbena and green tea at Starbucks, and then he had the unexpected surprise of running into my cousins. WOW I'm Shocked, in my head I was thinking, oh god, what if they ask how we know each other, which knowing them they will ask, what will I say, what will he say, how will he be, will he lie? It was my mom's first cousin and his daughter with her little pumpkins! It was cold enough I think if it was near Halloween time, there would be no pumpkins they'd all freeze! But he came over, actually really was calm and let me do my socializing, catching up and of course little family gossip!

After he met the whole entourage we then continued to get to know each other. From our prior 1 phone conversation, I did think to myself that he wasn't where I would like a guy (I'll never call them men, they'll always be "guys" keeps me young at heart) to be stability wise. He was smart, went to Franklin and Marshall, and to BU grad, oh Boston my big fish little sea city, at times I do wish how I loved my Thursday night at Abe's and Met bar or Saturdays at Mistral, that tuna tar tar is undoubable the best I've had btwn east and west coasts! But since I'm still single living in NY I will stick to the restaurants here and hop to my next date who will hopefully make it to a 2nd and hopefully he'll pick a place wt tuna tar tar.

Dating Diva

Dating Online - Are Men actually telling the Truth?

2007-02-02T18:17:00.000-05:00

Well let me begin that I have been dating online for the past ten years. Since I've been 21 and yet I find myself still single. This week I was asked to do a feature on the Dr. Keith Ablow Show (The piece will air in 2 weeks and of course I will let you all know the date). I will be discussing my experience on online dating. Stay tuned!

Having been on many dates throughout the years, I have now determined what it is that i ACTUALLY want from and in a man. Determining your wants in my opinion is a MAJOR step in going about finding your "dream guy." See, since it was at 21 that I started online dating, I have met many types of men. From short, to bald (I tend to usually stay away from the short and bald) but sometimes you will find a guy where there picture is SO old from there college years we all know the hair thins as men age and that they have fabicated the truth about there looks. Which brings me to the "online dating fear"; are the picture postings there actual looks or are the men portraying themselves as something there not. If it the men aren't be "honest" upfront well my feeling is that truly isn't a great way to begin a "relationship."

Dating Diva